"Relationships & Jay Leno" Standup Comedy w/ Bob Dubac, Ray Romano, & Jay Leno Show #109

"Relationships & Jay Leno" is a fun podcast with three headliners! Comedians Bob Dubac and Ray Romano talk a little about the relationship  between Men & Women. Then a fun longer set by Jay Leno from a 1985 sold out concert I produced. Jay works the audience and shares some very funny material about jobs and Christmas. It moves fast and holds lots of Laughs....Enjoy!

Hosted by: R. Scott Edwards

Transcript

Announcer: 0:04

This is another episode of stand up comedy, your host and emcee, celebrating 40 plus years on the fringe of show business, stories, interviews and comedy sets from the famous and not so famous. Here's your host and MC Scott Edwards.

Scott Edwards: 0:23

Hi, and welcome to this week's podcast relationships. And Jay Leno. That's my name of this particular episode because we have three terrific headliners. Two of them talking about the difficulties and fun of relationships, and then a terrific long set by Jay Leno Live in Concert, wonderful material I know you'll enjoy. But before that we have a short set live on stage by Ray Romano, talking about marriage in his place in the relationship. To get things started. Here's a terrific short set by the very funny, stand up comic and actor Bob Dewback, a wonderful headliner who's been working stand up comedy from the late 80s all the way till today. Actually, you can research him under his full name, Robert Dewback. But he's done the book of moron. Other one man shows, you can see him as a regular on the real geezers of Beverly Hills adjacent. Ladies and gentlemen, here's a short set by Bob Dubac.

Bob Dubac: 1:34

Also confusing trying to figure this out. What do women want? See women don't even know. Problem is you want us to know what you want, and you don't know what you want. We have to know. And even if you knew what you wanted, you wouldn't tell us because if you told us what you wanted, then you wouldn't want it anymore. Would you like? Is that what you want? What do you want something less complicated. Do you want something simple, like Haagen Dazs with only 25 calories per gallon? Or do you want something clever like nail polish that does not chip for 10 days? And on the 11th day it just all falls off? What do you want something thoughtful like gynecological instruments to be stored in a bread warmer? What do you want something absurd like an extra set of feet so you can wear more shoes. You all know what a woman won't have done? That's easy. Yeah, I may be a chauvinist, but I am no nitwit like you. Honestly, that is the most important thing to a woman. Unless it is the truth about her then it is not so damn important but that is what women want. Gosh, you have to be honest with you love to think women love cool men. How do you be cool? It is very easy. Speak Frank you want to know what a woman wants simple all birds want little old fashioned right that's what a woman wants a sense of humor because it's the way to her heart the way to a woman's body. Well that's a different story if you don't want her laughing in bed he's not right away. Right then you gotta have a little sensitivity what All women want little sensitivity this is what I've been doing for two weeks. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what Julie wants or what any woman wants number one at a time. Thank God, you're all here you can help. So let's get started.

Scott Edwards: 4:16

Ladies and gentlemen, Bob Dubac. One of the best stand up comics out there worked for me for many years and is still doing stand up and one man shows keep an eye out for his work. He's performing all over the US on a regular basis. Hey, and right now speaking of relationships, nothing like a terrific short set by the famous Ray Romano Ray did work for me several times back in the 80s. But in the early 90s He did the Tonight Show and got recognized for his talent. And the rest is history. He got his own show. Everybody Loves Raymond and has done lots of other things like ice age and other movies since then. But right now here's a short set live on stage from 1991. Ray Romano.

Ray Ramano: 5:08

Very nice. This is very exciting for me. The first time here on the West Coast. I just got here yesterday with my wife. We spent the whole day shopping. Of course she wants to buy a car phone now my wife for no apparent reason she wants to cover people are just a little too phone obsessed now, but she think no cars, planes, little pocket phones, you're going to do that sooner or later they're going to make a phone into a little a little microchip that everyone would just have surgically implanted in the rear. And that'll be the end of it wherever you go. Oh, I'm gonna call once. Daily Hi, Valerie. Oh, yes, I'm talking to Joe. He'll put on conference to talk to you guys. What's up love? Well, hold on guys. I'm getting a fax all day we were shopping. We went out for breakfast earlier. You know, Breakfast has to be the most annoying meal to order out. Only for one reason. Let me ask you this, folks. Is there in orange juice shortage in this country? What's the deal there? Because I'm always like, waitress plays. large, large, jumbo Joe's little demo of Joe's comes out. My wife ordered the small and they came around with a damp rag were married for years me and my wife remarried. And we didn't live together first, which I recommend no, here's what I recommend. If you have no experience living with a woman like I did have someone brief you before you move in a briefing will help just for the first day. You're gonna make decisions the first day that affect you forever, and I blew them all and I like helping them out most important one to find out now. It's that side of the bed. You're going to choose you can't Don't overlook that because that's your side for life changing and I blew the call I didn't look at the TV angle I didn't know I just I went with my childhood instinct. I took the side away from the door in case the boogey man comes in my spaceship by that we have a baby now till we're proud parents we have an eight month old daughter she was five this is the sad part two is five. That's never gonna happen. We're not even gonna have sex that many times again. Married people you know I'm talking about what happens to sex after marriage. My sex life came to such a screeching halt and airbag popped out of the sleep motor crashed. I mean now you know what else I'm finding out when you live with a woman. There are duties in the house that a man is automatically given. And that the common ones not just the garbage. There's little obscure ones you find out as you go along. For example, in the middle of the night. I have now the automatic noise check around or nothing goes check it out. How can I sleep? That's a burglar. Maybe you might have a gun too. So Oh. Be careful what your slippers on. Bring me up a yogurt and the bug killer. I'm the bug killer. Why? Why? Why Women think men like bugs. I'm squeamish in the day my wife scream. I ran up to the bathroom and listening frightened me. I never seen a bug that live. It was gross. And we have a clean bathroom. Okay. My wife wrote that I needed a disclaimer. But we had a huge bug in New York. It was huge. It had graffiti on it. And she's hysterical Erica Huggins don't look yell. And you don't you don't just rush in and kill a bug like that. You have to plan it out. What if I swing and miss this guy? I don't know if he has the gift of flight for one thing, right? Not ready for a kamikaze bug. He tells me to spray it. The women think any aerosol can can use deodorant but kill bugs. Monster with deodorant, and all I can find was the roll on. Brand now we're happy. And we're adapting well to parenthood to I hope I'm a good parent. No, I'm worried about when kids start talking and they have questions they need answered. The touchy ones. That's what I'm dreading my daughter. She'll be like, she'll be four or five years old, and she'll see me see me coming out of the shower. Okay, wait a second. What's that? I'm just gonna like go, go get your mother. And I'll explain it to both of you.

Scott Edwards: 11:08

Well, you can see why Ray has been so famous and popular on TV and movies. He's a very funny guy. And those last two sets with Bob Dewback and Ray Romano, talking about relationships is something we can all relate to. But speaking of terrific stand up comedy, Jay Leno is one of the best there's ever been. Of course, he's famous for the tonight show in appearing in some movies and live on stage for you know, over 30 years. He got his start even before I came along, but worked for me several times back in the 80s and back in 1985 Jay Leno did one of my concerts in here's a longer set of Jay Leno live on stage at a concert I produced in 1985 I know you'll enjoy this

Jay Leno: 12:04

How about the lady in the black here what teachers well what great you teach adults there's some kind of is some sign of a surrogate thing there what know what do you teach computer computer school so when they get out they could do what handout tokens at the arcade I say how about this gentleman sir. What do you do data processing as well. And the young lady don't do anything Yes, Mom and Dad are pretty proud Have you thought about doing stuff I guess this way when you retire it makes it transition to the private sector and it'll be easy any kind of job in the future maybe anything? What probably fast foods while certainly a rewarding career at best certainly that's sure the pay is is low and the hours are hard but she you get a lot out of it don't you then probably want to go into the Fat Boy it's hard to believe the Japanese are ahead of us now a lot of people see what is responsible Where's ambition? See a lot of people have this attitude now. Look at the games games like Trivial Pursuit now this game could only exist in 19 the 1980s When you think about what do people do it this bedtime? You got 100 years ago? George Washington Carver gee you sit around at night you try to dream of how you get more crops from a single seed or or Amelia Earhart you fly around the world Thomas Edison invent the light now the brightest most intelligent people around they sit around at night going okay, what was goobers middle name any parents and they got kids that's it when they do radiation testing here in the 60s is 3000 sterile people burning do your day know the children we have anybody out here have children or maybe that's why you people have been sequestered down here I guess. God in his infinite wisdom have locked you people out of the genetic code more or less? Do you have children so not a one? What do you Amish not know you don't have any children to Throw Momma From The Train a kiss that kind of thing. Not a one. Who has who has kids? This lady how many have their two I don't think we need the visual aid to is pretty clear. Is that your husband there now. Now where are the kids now? He just put a bowl of food on the floor he go out for the evening and that kind of a feral child They pretty much fend for themselves. You got a babysitter tonight. there with that with that energy I think the kids really like massage parlors and things is that a good atmosphere for them really? Who else had children over here? Here Jonathan? Oh this these two all of them are well that's certainly a good dad that's that's pretty strict not too strict more or less Lord of the Flies down at your house. I guess just picking on the chandelier and it was worth it. What does it say? You're pointing this is your wife here's kind of a classy guy that ladies and gentlemen this is your sister is this you're on a date just one of these something with Amelia kind of date syrup possibly. And she's certainly he's proud to be out with her big brother tonight I think got some local tufts you can drop off with on the cornice or after you threw him this year now what does your sister do? Well maybe we could go right to her directly sir and kind of eliminate her attorney. Now what are you doing the system Thank you very much advertising. Public Relations FinCEN what does that mean? You have your own sandwich board kind of eat it Joseph and how are you two gentlemen doing pretty good I guess the girls are probably stuck in traffic or something ha they probably got the Showtime confused and I guess I see some headlights that's probably them circling yeah that Try Not to Laugh later about the mix up you can talk about the funny things that happened yeah, that's the guy you met with a sister yeah that's good. How about you sir? What do you what do you do obviously when you sell insurance now What kind is that that I have stone get hit by a buffalo in a hailstorm get what was it? All kinds of insurance. I like to school insurance lose an eye in the left leg you get to remember those things. But you had to lose them in that order. That was the trick to the if you lost and I and the right leg aid policy Nolan void null and void in next day Hicks a. How about you sir? I like electronic technician. And you went like this sir. I guess that the international symbol for the death of electronic technician is great. And this is the data we hear mom here tonight. You know that's a fun I have a good time with my dad. I say fathers see mothers and daughters do this great. I think about this the other day. My dad's birthday was a couple of months ago. My dad was 75 on his left birthday. I thought well gee, I never officially told my dad that I love him. I mean, he knows I love him and I know you love me but I never officially said I see women do this good. You see mothers and daughters. Somewhere was always in Nashville. I think she's uncle nice in Raleigh, North Carolina. I figured Jeez, this time on my dad's birthday rather than just I call him up tell him I love and make it official. So he knows you know, this is the most awkward thing dial a phone. My father answers the phone the same way it's been on the phone for 75 years yellow you know? He can't say hello, you got a yellow eye that Happy Birthday who says then it's me dan. Oh, so I'm looking for the birthday greetings. So yeah, Dad, I was thinking about you down here in Raleigh. You know, birthday 75 and a pretty good day and you know, God forbid something should happen there. You know, just wanna let you know kind of like you can't hear nothing thinking about Jimmy and 75 certainly been a good dad you know just want you know your start you're gonna come get you know, not stuck. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Then I was thinking about you being 75 You know, you've been a good dad and all that stuff and just want to let you know that I love you. I wanna let you know I love you. Oh, you love me? Okay, I'm gonna put your mother on the line now that okay? I got talking to you then. Moms are fun. I see I come from the east originally so I have the old round kind of Mommy. I was little Pepperidge Farm four by far mom. Yeah. You know that little iron tank model you can't get out here you know that and then and then it kind of moms and iron socks you know when they iron the toe of the sock in case your shoe falls off someplace important people know you come from a good home Natalie. Christmas coming any dads play Santa. play Santa sir at Christmas. No. Maybe when they're a little older. 2122 I guess Maybe we can understand the story a little better. Yeah. Any dads here dress up Please What's that? Your dad does Yeah Sure why not? Yeah yeah peace in the world. Why not? Yeah sure. Yeah, why not? Your dad but on the costume and everything Sure, why not? Yeah, crazy that to keep things moving. Say my dad. My dad would never put on the costumer Christmas time was my dad's time of year to get even for everything we'd done wrong the year before. She's I remember being six seven years old something like that one is Lionel train with a cold car and you want to met a crossing guard and it keeps him t Danny think Stan is going to bring it this year. Oh my dad loved the thieves. Well, I don't know mother. Is Santa even going to come around this year? Yeah, be a shame if Santa was to crash and burn in the hills somewhere with all those toys on board and trying to sleep Christmas Eve when you're a kid you know you're trying to make yourself go to sleep. You know? About one o'clock in the morning you guys hit my dad downstairs under the tree making all those Christmassy noises you know I can't get this piece of shit to go together god damn thing is that you down there Santa. Hey, shut the hell up up there. I can slap your face I will put you in a sleep you know I come down Christmas morning what happened to the coal car Santa got pissed he kicked him against the wall all right. Your goddamn stupid thing play with it. Play what oh is a frightening experience finding out about Santa that was the worst I've cheese I found out the truth about Santa the worst way. You know most kids are lucky you find out about Santa from an older brother and sister maybe the kids at school Hey, you know there's no Santa you set up. These I found out my mom took me to Macy's in New York City that had the whole Sanders village set up you know, and there's big line of kids waiting to see Santa I'm the next kid and the next kid the next kid in the little girl elf comes out with the sign. Oh, Santa is going to the North Pole. He'll be back at one you know, the North Pole design. I want to talk to Santa I can't wait in the morning I started crying my mom comes Oh what's up and then I saw the door and I think maybe I just burst through the door I can catch Santa before he goes to North polling. I run to the North Pole a bottle of Jack Daniels he got the little elf up against the wall like this horrible thing for a child as well buying a tree that's it. Oh, I get screwed every year with these tree guys. You know my wife is a big fan. And I mean I like Christmas but we always have to buy our tree exactly the two weeks before Christmas. And this is when you always get screwed by those guys. You know? I always wind up yelling at the guy you know what I like to do? Here's what I do after I bought my tree and I've been screwed by the guy. Christmas Eve about 10 minutes to 12 I like to drive across town to another tree lot. You know walk around a little bit. Get the tree salesman falling behind you. Oh yeah. That's 75 foot tree. What's a terminus? 12 Give me a buck for right now. Yeah sure throw some grief gifts and presents you're missing no problem. People always say the same thing. We should all keep the Christmas spirit year round you know it would be nice but it doesn't even last until Christmas is over. I mean look at the way people treat the Christmas remember the day you bind the tree or don't try to tie into the roof of the car or drive slowly on the needles of law. Oh don't make those things too tight at the bottom plenty of want to keep it moist not too many ornaments. Put cheese the minute those presents are open get that fire trap Anna here and a burn the house down with that goddamn thing. Every year was the same thing my mom and I would put the ornaments away my dad would take the tree put it in the trunk of the car. Wait till a few minutes after midnight drive to blocks throw it in a neighbor's yard. You get the hell out of there you know the next day our neighbor would trace the trail of pine needles down the street you know every year my father have a fight you throw a tree in my yard this you had no I didn't. Yes you did. Hey, was she I don't have a treat. Get the hell out of here I always like to come back to Sacramento. I go to my favorite little bookstore I don't hit golden Have you ever been in a place where it is a three it's hard to believe you are the one that went this or possibly trying to pawn off your sister again sir is at it raise some extra money for fatty foods no doubt the old days you say something about a guy says do you get punk punches Guy No Please make fun of my sister please Have you been a goalie SIR for really? You get down there? No absolute no god forbid you say that how shocking that I would have picked you with. I think if God does not destroy Goldie's, he really owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. You know it? Yeah. I always like those little signs. They have some mature adults only. Yeah, most mature adults like to stand little booths with their passes their ankles watching movies. Now that's a it's a pretty good sign of maturity, isn't it? I mean, God forbid if some immature person should somehow sneak past the tight security that they have. I always like the ones that pretend to have something legitimate. They have sounds like we sell marital aids. I love what these people define as a marital aid. I mean somehow to me a four foot vibrator that takes 30 D size batteries. This is not a marathon lady this is a jackhammer as far as I'm concerned. I mean your wife goes out of town you could break sidewalks with this thing Well she's rather a small woman you're sure I won't kill her with this model you know sparks flying out of it is not UL approved for our electrical friend. Now the big item the inflatable party darling ever seen one of these is a doll men take home they blow it up it looks like a girl can do whatever they want with this thing. This amazing 2000 years of civilization man has progressed to the point of screwing balloons. If I was female, I'd be very insulted by something like this my dad on the side of the box is she's just like a real woman. How many real women you know sleep like this you're not against the advertiser. I'm not making this up as an actual product I think called edible underwear and I know what I'm talking about. Now this woman do you own any of this? No, no, you've just seen it in other people's homes I guess more or less if I didn't make it up I didn't make it up right. Comes in different flavors strawberry orange surprisingly the veal Parmesan is quite good so you know the sad thing about a product like Edible underwear look let's face it after a couple of years a lot of guys you know just not romantic. Women go out they buy this stuff they take it home It sounds very attractive. They put on the end of London where they get into bed guy gets into bed at underwear thanks It was great. Hey, oh no mama Manny. What are we having them on? Right now they have the edible underwear for men did you know that? That right now I'm wearing the Swanson big man boxer short dinner Can you see that extra helping up potatoes and how do you handle a hungry man How about male strip shows him those of you who's been Have you been? Now how often you go German six, seven nights a week how often you go Vinda to when Easter Christmas that kind of thing. Now what made you go the two times was a special show where they have like Rex the human tripod performing some kind of kind of a big program you want to try and catch them now where is it around here in Carmichael down the street from Golden he said now what is the law the men go all the way they have to keep a class ring or something like that. They take everything off. But it was like a G string and what the women put in money now Jupiter any money see if you want to get better dancing put some Ben gay on the money that kind of Yeah, yeah. Kind of live in the show up a little bit. Well, let's fam men have had that stuff. He has Playboy penthouse. The worst is hustler. Ever seen Hustler magazine? You know, I have a friend who's a gynecologist. I show him hustler. He says, gee, I have no idea what that is. Yeah. You better get a surgeon down here to take a look at that. So who would be on a date tonight? Would this be a date tonight? Sir? It's not a date. I'm not an attorney. Sir. I'm not going to show them some palimony suit on her behalf. It's not a date. Are you married? Oh yeah. God forbid you should take her out. So I guess bye Listen. All that's fine. You take it to dinner tonight. No, you look like you don't even understand the concepts of she came from she came from San Francisco and you came 100 miles the other direction. This is the perfect marriage for you then Apparently so. Now what we're doing in San Francisco Oh, well kind of a sad thing I guess pretty much. Who else would be on a date? Yeah. How about the friend of the guy with the sister? Who is this a date sir? No, it's your wife. I guess your date couldn't make it says that. Anybody on a date to date? I guess I could say that sir. Do you take her to dinner? She took you it's your birthday tonight sir. Well, happy birthday to you there where'd you go to dinner? Bowl market what did you have this say away from the oysters really? So yes, steak tonight, sir. Pretty nice place. Well, no, that's kind of what she was paying or you didn't take. Now what do you do when you take her out? So you rummage through the dumpster over here and probably back a Chinese restaurant. McDonald's? Yeah. The biggest mistake a woman can make I think is complimenting a restaurant before the order is in because most men are just out to impress the woman and once she's impressed they try to chase her out of the meal. Yeah, we had that happen to want to go this is a beautiful place. Oh, do you like it? Great. Your waiter. I'm gonna have the surf and turf the steak and lobster combination and I think she just wants the child's jello. Yeah, that'll be great. I tell you Scott took me to a great little out of the way steak place pretty exclusive of a sizzler human down there. I tell you I had the gristle and baked potato fabulous. There's nothing I enjoy more than cold meat on an orange tray with a bunch of high school kids having an ammonia fight in the back room there. And I love that salad bar aka compost pile. I have 50 tons of ragweed a little bit of okra mixed in what I go the other day and Elijah you know, I've been in LA almost nine years I've never watched Bob's Big Boy. I thought it was a gay place. What a screwball joint is I gonna order a hamburger the hamburger comes get abundance got the meat No, it's got a bun on the top on the top bun has got a pickle with a toothpick through and on top of the bomb. I'm not gonna sing I said to myself, they can't even assemble it correctly. Plus, they got the worst logo that big fat ass kid out in the yard. There's another heart attack waiting to happen. Jacqueline Lane from the building when people come in at some walking in for cholesterol. Plaza a fire hazard people trying to get out of the building his big fat ass blocking the doorway there. Heard the boy was killing the big boy fire now he got a fire or Qasimi hit his head at night as coming around the building. Once they hit that left buttock on about nine miles an hour. How many more people have to die on that ass before they move in.

Scott Edwards: 33:21

Wow, Jay Leno live on stage. There's nothing like him. He did over 90 minutes on that particular show of straight mythology stand up comedy. I mean, it's tough to do a 510 even a half hour set, doing an hour and a half solid of Stand Up material in concert is just amazing. And it was such an honor for me to be able to produce that show. Jay and I worked a lot together. In fact, I did two large concerts, sold out concerts with him and lots of stage shows of my club. While I hope you enjoyed relationships in Jay Leno, Bob Dewback Ray Romano, and the one and only Jay Leno. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week. Bye.

Announcer: 34:08

We hope you enjoyed this episode of Stand Up Comedy your host and emcee. For information on the show merchandise and our sponsors or to send comments to Scott, visit our website at WWW dot stand up your host and mc.com Look for more episodes soon and enjoy the world of stand up comedy. Visit a comedy showroom near you