Standup Comedy by Kermet Apio & Comedienne Cathy Ladman Show # 232

On this fun show, we have two terrific comics sharing material; from Seattle, Kermet Apio, and from Los Angeles Cathy Ladman. Both these entertainers were regulars at my comedy clubs back in the day, and both are still performing today. In fact Kermet did a great set last year for a fund raiser I produced a show for...very funny show; Listen, Laugh, & Share!
Kermet Apio and Cathy Ladman, both seasoned stand-up comedians, offer unique perspectives on the art of comedy through their engaging storytelling and sharp observational humor. Kermet Apio’s sets often delve into the absurdities of parenting, humorously recounting moments like threatening to "fart on [his daughter's] neck" during trivial arguments, ultimately finding joy and laughter amidst the chaos of raising a preteen. Meanwhile, Cathy Ladman draws from her vast experience to craft efficient and poignant stories, whether she’s reminiscing about childhood incidents or sharing humorous tales from her extensive travels, including a memorable immigration mishap in Canada. Together, Apio and Ladman highlight the power of personal anecdotes and the importance of humor in navigating life’s everyday challenges.

(00:00:21) Family Dynamics and Marriage Comedy Sets

(00:02:03) "Witty Reflections on Long-Term Relationships"

(00:13:23) "Comedic Reflections on Parenting Preteen Daughters"

(00:13:53) "The Absurdity of Parenting a Preteen"

(00:18:19) Border Crossing Humor in Winnipeg, Canada

Transcript

Announcer: 0:04

This is another episode of stand up comedy. Your host and MC celebrating 40 plus years on the fringe of show business. Stories, interviews and comedy sets from the famous and not so famous. Here's your host and MC, Scott Edwards.

R. Scott Edwards: 0:21

Hi, and welcome back to the podcast. This is your host, Scott Edwards. Hey, before I get into this week's stand up comedy sets, and I've got two great comics for you. I wanted to remind everybody, I've got a book on Amazon called 20 Questions answered about being a stand up comic and an ebook called be a stand up comedy or just look like one. These two books will help anybody interested in the industry. They're very affordable, and they're both on Amazon. Okay. Advertisement over let me tell you about this week's show coming up later on. A very funny comedian. She was a regular at my club for over a decade, did a lot of television back in the day. In fact, she's still touring and doing stand up comedy. Kathy Ladman, live on stage. You may have seen her on tv, as I mentioned, but she still does clubs all around the country. Very funny young lady, and I know you'll enjoy that. That's later on. And she's got some great new material to share, new meaning since 1990 and to open things up. A really good friend of mine, he's out of Seattle, Washington. You've heard him many times on the podcast. He's a regular on the show. I've done a few interviews with him. I use his comedy material a lot. Why? Because he's really funny. I know you'll enjoy him. And this particular set, he talks about marriage, being single, and a lot about his kids. He's got a teenage daughter, and that's always ripe for comedy material. So I know I'll enjoy these two comedy sets. So sit back and relax, ladies and gentlemen. Coming up later on, Kathy Ladman. And right now, live on stage, Kermit appeal.

Kermet Apio: 2:03

But like I said, in your forties, you don't worry. You don't take it as seriously. You find the humor. You don't get mad. Like, here's one thing I learned and I find humorous. When you turn 40, you become invisible to women under 30. And that's fine. I'm a happily married guy. I just don't want to be crossing the street and get hit by a red pontiacs. I mean, all, what was that? I didn't see anything. What happened? I said something that had no long term goals, but I didn't see it at all. Must have been a sad rabbit or something, right? I'm glad I'm married. I love being married. Equally hated being single. I was not good at being single. Hard to meet women when your pickup line includes an apology and a Star wars quote. And insecure. And broke is one thing. Insecure, broke and single, that's the frosting on the loser cake. I did this one time. This is true. When I was single. I'm in the bank. I'm doing the transaction. I ask the teller out. Then I realize I just asked someone out who's looking at a computer view of my financial situation. There is nothing you can say at that very moment. I've got other accounts. There's one I keep negative. My wife is great. My wife's from Texas. I'm married, a texan, and I remember when I proposed to her, I told her I'm from Hawaii, and I sure would love to stay in this country. So my wife is great. We've been married 16 years. Oh, thank you. That is very nice of you. But we've been together 23. I have to say that because she wants credit for time served, married or not, been together a long time. 23 years. We met in a bar. Because 23 years ago, pretty much what you had to do. We didn't have your texting and your match.com. you had to be rejected face to face. Then you had to walk away in your Jedi robe, and that sucked. No, you do want to dance. These aren't the dorks you're looking for. You're a dork. 23 years we've been together. I realized last year how long my wife and I have been together. We had a power outage in our neighborhood one night, and we're looking out the window. Everything. Streetlights out, every house. The whole neighborhood is pitch black. And I hear my wife's voice say this. So did you pay the bill? No. I made them so mad, they went, you know what? Shut the whole town down. I hate that guy. Hey, I realize she's half joking, but that still means half her brain went, you know, it could have been him. 23 years we've been together. My wife and I have been together so long that she could be mad at me, and I could not know why. And I'm cool with that. Cause I've learned that knowing doesn't help at all. I don't know what causes a hurricane, but I do know when it's time to hide in the bathroom. I know that part. She was mad at me in the morning. One time, I just woke up. What could I have done? I'm not kidding. I wake up. I walk out. I sit down. Oh, I can't believe you know. Cause you're just talking about something I was gonna say, and then you were texting. That died around. Are you mad at me? Well, yes, I am. Here comes a rookie mistake. Why? Right? I asked. Here's why. She was mad at me, and I'm not making this up. My wife was mad at me because I cheated on her in her dream. Yep. You ever took a test where there were no correct answers?

R. Scott Edwards: 7:27

I did.

Kermet Apio: 7:31

There is nothing you can do. You just sit there and hope for a UFO abduction? That's all you got? I can't believe you did that. Wait, well, I didn't do that. Oh, yes, you did. You had a penguin head and a reggae hat. But I knew it was you the.

R. Scott Edwards: 7:46

Whole time.

Kermet Apio: 7:53

So I did the only thing I could think to do. I went back to sleep and apologized to her in my dream. So what else? I'm a dad. We have two children. Grover and Kermit junior. I love them. I love being a dad. Best thing ever to happen to me, by far. And to be honest, it was not my idea. It's the greatest thing in my life. My wife had to talk me into it. I had to be convinced. I was like, yeah, I can't build anything from the Ikea, but let's make a person. That's a good idea. I just spent 10 hours on a farvel herfe hugin or something. Can't tell if it's a coffee table or bunk bed, but, yeah, people, sure. Oh, hey, if this extra bag of bolts doesn't scare you, let's do this. I'm your guy. She was right. You learn what you need to learn, and you learn quickly. You know what I learned very early on? Did you know this? Did you know there are two six thirties? No, I'm serious. There's an early one, and it happens every day. And it sucks. You're leaning against the window. What is the sun doing over there? Honey, the neighbors have chickens. Did you know that? It doesn't end at baby time. It keeps going. Apparently, there's a thing called breakfast, and apparently kids are supposed to have it. I am not a breakfast person. I used to eat breakfast in my twenties, but I cannot stay up that late anymore. We didn't call it breakfast. We call it a moment. Don't worry. That joke's not for everybody. Just the alcoholics. They're with me. They know where I am. I'll see them at Denny's. That's gonna happen. Everything's exciting. When you're a dad, you celebrate every moment. My daughter turned one. That was a big day. That's because my first child is having her first birthday. But because, wow, I've kept a human being alive for a year. There's a dog, a hamster and a few plants that would be very surprised to hear that. I've had screensaver fish die. How does that happen? Sea monkeys call me El Diablo. You're always a dad. It becomes who you are even when you're not around the family. That is how powerful it is. I was hanging out. A couple buddies of mine are both younger, they're both single. We're in a bar. I stood up. I promise you. I said this. Yeah, I gotta go potty. What did you just say? I said, I gotta punch somebody. Why? I was gonna go over there and punch somebody and then go, potty dog. I need to go night night. It's 930 already. Love being and dad. And you enter into a whole new universe, one that you do not know. Is there tv shows? A bunch of tv shows I didn't know existed. Now I know everything about them, and I understand I was one of these people. But it cracks me up with people who don't have kids say things like, well, when I have kids, I'm not. I'm not just gonna plop them in front of the tv. Oh, that's precious. So you're not planning on, I don't know, pooping for ten years, are you? Will there be unicorns in this magical land of yours where the body cleans itself somehow? You can't say what you're going to do in parenthood. Parenthood will teach you as you go things that you have no idea. Here's something I did not know and I know now. You create language as a parent. I learned this when I heard my wife say this to my children, and I knew what she meant. Loosely translated, that means, I need you to stop and put that down or the cat is gonna die. That's apparent. It does to a perfectly good human being. This articulate, intelligent woman I met 23 years ago now says this. No. If you don't, because I. Try. Try. That was a poem I just read to you people. That is eight sentences shoved into one mad haiku. That's what that is. You lose control over your mouth when you become a parent. And when it starts happening, you cannot believe it's you. Here's my story on that same topic. I have a preteen daughter now. And, yes, you should pity me a lot. I had no idea. When your sweet little girl becomes a pre teen, you cannot be prepared for that moment. It's like being in a transformer movie. Oh, a cool car. Big scary robot. What's happening? My daughter sprained her forehead from rolling her eyes too hard. That happened. She actually saw the back of her neck. It was impressive. Whatever, dad. How has pre teen daughter not been a James Bond villain? How has that not happened? You'll never get away with this. Your face won't get away with that. When you have a preteen daughter. You cannot fight every fight. You cannot argue every argument because they're circular and psychotic. They don't make sense and they'll make you insane. So you can't. You can't start the argument. You can't light the fuse. You can't say things like, hey, it's kind of chilly. You might want to put on a jacket. That's a real argument I had because I asked her to put on a jacket. You know what you told me, dad? It makes me look poofy. It's a jacket. That's not a thing. Nobody's gonna see you walk by. Is that an angry bag of tapioca? I'm offended by this. The arguments with a pre teen daughter are crazy. To the point where I. The one I'm gonna tell you about. I don't remember the topic of the argument. I don't remember what we were arguing about. That's how stupid it was. It could have been something like I said, hey, breathing is good. And then she stopped breathing. Why'd you stop breathing? Well, you don't understand me. It could have been that I don't remember the topic of the argument partly because what I do remember is what I said to my daughter, who I love dearly. I love this girl so much. But in this moment, I was getting uptight, I was getting angry, and in the middle of this argument, folks not proud. Here's what I said to my own daughter. You know what? I'm gonna fart on your neck. I said, no. What is wrong with me? Why would you say that to any human being on the planet, ever? When I heard it, I went, oh, please, don't have been me. Was that me? Really? What a bizarre thing to say. Plus, it doesn't exist. I said something that isn't. I am not calling my own bluff here. It's not like, okay, put on some goggles. On a turtleneck. Let's get started. And by the way, once you've said that, walk away. You are done. You have lost the argument. You don't just lose that moment. You lose for a while, because try parenting. After you said that to your pre teen daughter, there is nothing you can do. Hey, I'm gonna need you to clean your room. Are you gonna fart on my neck, dad? Maybe start with a toe burp. See if I learn anything. That's when you tap out, mom, you're in. Boom. I am not good at this.

R. Scott Edwards: 17:20

That was Kermit appeal from Seattle live on stage. Man, he's such a funny guy. You know that name, Kermit appeal? He's originally from Hawaii. I didn't mention that in the opening, but he is such a funny guy and such a good friend. It's great to always share his material. And being married and having kids is something that's relatable to everybody. So I know you enjoyed that. Hey, let's keep it going. We have some great comedy by a very funny comedian. She's still performing. In fact, she was just part of a concert down in LA this last week, but she used to do a fair amount of tv, and, as I said, was a regular at my club. And let me add, she's been a regular on this podcast. I've shared some of her comedy, and she's been interviewed. So you can go back and find that interview and learn even more about Kathy Ladman. But we have some great stand up comedy buyers. So here's a short set by the very funny comedian Kathy Ladman.

Cathy Ladman: 18:19

So back to traveling. So I used to travel a lot. I was in Canada. Have you been to Canada now? I was in. The first time I went to Canada, I was not in one of the nicer cities. I went to Winnipeg in February. I went north of Minnesota in February. That's like going south of hell in August. It doesn't get colder than that. It's like, oh, excuse me. I dropped my ear.

Kermet Apio: 18:48

See?

Cathy Ladman: 18:48

But I had to go because it was a job. But no one bothered to tell me that I had to go through immigration to get into the country. So I got into trouble at the border crossing with this rude woman, and she said she couldn't understand me because I had an accent. So she's asking me all this annoying questions. She says to me, what country is a citizen of? I said, the United States. What are you doing here? I'm working. What do you do? I'm a comedian. And she thought I said, I'm a Canadian. So then she says, I thought you said you from the United States. So I thought that she's saying that you can't be funny and be from the United States. So then I said, you know, Will Rogers, a great american, had a terrific sense of humor. She said, I don't care who you related to. I don't like your attitude. I think you're pretty funny, don't you? What are you, some kind of comedian? I said, no, I'm from the United States. Can't believe I remembered all that. My memory is really fading, you know? I can remember something from years ago, and I can't remember. What was I saying? I was thinking about this song I learned in the third grade. It's called the Erie Canal. Do you know the song, I've got a mule and her name is Sal. 15 miles on the Erie Canal she's a good old worker and a good old pal 15 miles on the Erie Canal come on, everybody. She just hauls on barges in our day filled with lumber, cola and hay and she knows every inch of the way from Albany to Buffalo. Now, I have known that song since the third grade. It's been up here for 58 years. And that is why, when I go to the mall, I can't find my car. I'm in the parking room, clicking my remote, hoping I hear something. All I hear is a guy one aisle over going, I've got a mule. And an. He can't find his car either. You know what's. Oh, I forgot where the mic stand was. I can't believe it. You know, my mother saved my schoolwork from when I was in elementary school. Okay? Look at that. Look at that. Isn't it amazing? Look at that penmanship. Cursive, ladies and gentlemen. Cursive doesn't even exist anymore. Okay? This is fourth grade. I wrote these. This first one is called if I were my mother. If I were my mother, I would hit my sister a lot. If I wanted to kiss her, I'd lick her. I have no idea what that means. Maybe I would throw both of my sisters out of the house. Boy, I wish I were my mother. I'd have so much fun. And the teacher writes, b minus after reading that. Not Kathy. Having any problems at home? Would you like me to schedule a conference with your parents? Maybe you'd like to speak with me privately after class? No, just B minus. Misses Abrams. Horrible woman. She was a horrible woman. I remember when she used to sit behind her New York City regulation board of education desk. She looked normal from the waist up. But then when she stood up, she had hips out to here. And we would have to hold onto our desks when she walked between the aisles because her hips would bang into our desks and throw us into the big windows and we would all die. True story. Look at this one, huh? Look how old that is. Looks like the magna Carta, doesn't it? The genus of tree that made this paper doesn't exist on the planet anymore. Now, this is amazing. I wrote this 58 years ago on one side of a sheet of paper. After I read this to you, there's nothing more that you need to know about me. That's how jam packed full of information this is. This one is called the best day of my life. One day when we were in Washington, DC, we went to visit some friends. We were sitting down watching tv when I started to itch.

Kermet Apio: 23:47

Huh?

Cathy Ladman: 23:47

I guess I had a time constraint. I had to get right to the meat of my story, you know? Boy, better get to the itching part right now. I went over to my mother and said, mommy, I itch all over. She said, it was nothing. She didn't even look. I remember this very clearly. She said, I'm having a cocktail with my friend. Leave me alone. She said, it was nothing. And I went back to watch tv. A few minutes later, I went back to my mother and said, ma, it still bothers me. They looked under my shirt. Sure enough, I had the german measles. It's not that I like being sick, but I do have two reasons why I liked having the german measles. One, to get it over with. Two, you serve breakfast in bed like a queen. Well, I sure was lucky that day, because you have the german measles once, and then that's the end of the german measles. And that was the best day of my life. And that's all you need to know. Thank you so much.

R. Scott Edwards: 24:56

You did a great job. That was Kathy Ladman live on stage. And earlier, you heard from my good friend out of Seattle, Washington, Kermit appeal, talking about marriage and his kids. Well, ladies and gentlemen, two great short comedy sets to entertain you this week. I know you enjoyed them as much as I did in presenting them to you. If you get a chance, tell your friends, rate us if you can. But most important, enjoy life and keep a smile on your face. And stand up comedy is always good for that. We'll be back next week with one of our interview shows. Hey, thanks for listening. Bye.

Announcer: 25:32

We hope you enjoyed this episode of stand up comedy. Your host in McDonald's. For information on the show merchandise and our sponsors or to send comments to Scott, visit our website at www.standupyourhostandmc.com. look for more episodes soon and enjoy the world of stand up comedy. Visit a comedy showroom near.