Steve Smith, Jay Johnson, & Kermet Apio "Three Funny Headliners" Show #258

Steve Smith, Jay Johnson, and Kermet Apio are three talented comedians who bring their unique perspectives and comedic styles to the world of stand-up comedy. Steve Smith, known for his witty takes on family dynamics and political satire, captivates audiences with his humorous narratives about father-child interactions and clever impersonations of political figures. Jay Johnson, a renowned comic ventriloquist celebrated for his role on the TV show *Soap*, combines his exceptional ventriloquism skills and sharp comedic timing to engage audiences with jokes about airplane safety and anti-terrorism laws. Kermet Apio, a clean humorist originating from Hawaii and now based in Seattle, connects with audiences through his witty insights into everyday life, earning praise for his relatable material about stand-up comics trying to get a real job. Together, these comedians highlight the diverse and engaging nature of stand-up comedy, each leaving a memorable impact on their audiences.

(00:00:22) Unique Styles of Stand Up Comedy Performers

(00:04:51) Gender Stereotypes in Grocery Shopping

(00:14:04) Gaming's Journey: Pong to Advanced Experiences

(00:18:29) Absurdity of Airport Security in Small Towns

Transcript

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This is another episode of Stand Up Comedy. Your host and emcee celebrating 40 plus years on the fringe of show business stories, interviews and comedy sets from the famous and not so famous. Here's your host and emcee, Scott Edwards. Hi, and welcome back to the podcast. We have another terrific stand up comedy show for you this week. Three terrific headliners, all great friends of mine, all very, very funny. Let me tell you about it. Closing the show. Originally out of Hawaii, now out of Washington state. Kermit Appio. You've heard him many times on the podcast. Why? Because he's one of the funniest in the business. Always clean, always funny. I know you'll enjoy Kermit Appio closing this show. In the middle we have J. Johnson. You may remember that name. He was one of the stars of the soap TV show. Maybe I should say TV show soap, where he and his ventriloquial figure, Bob, stole the show. That's right. He's a ventriloquist. And this is recorded at one of my large concerts. I know that doesn't seem perfect for an audio podcast, but trust me, the jokes are good. And if you know he's a ventriloquist with his buddy Bob, you'll figure it out and enjoy it. And opening up, we have a terrific comic. This guy lives in Los Angeles now, but he's worked all over the country, done a little bit of tv, been in a couple movies, but just a great stand up comic. In this particular bit, he's talking about driving with the parents, which we've all been through. So good relatable material. Ladies and gentlemen, let's kick off the show with our first act, the very funny Steve Smith. I'm a bachelor again, which is good. Yeah. I was living with somebody for a long time, my parents. I thought they'd never leave. I did. I just kept putting up little clippings of the Menendez brothers trial in the refrigerator. I have the house. I used to bug my old man when he drove the car. I was a little terror in the backseat. You know, I, I think all dads say this to their kids in the back seat. If you're a dad, you probably say this to your kid or your dad said this to you. This is dad law. All dads say this when they drive. Hey. Don'T make me come back there. Remember that in England. Hey. Don'T make me come back there. Wouldn't it be great if we knew then what we know now? Wouldn't it? Just wants, just wants to go. Come on, Come on, you big fat bastard. Come on. Don't make me come up there. Wouldn't that freak you out? Don't that freak out? Your kid threw a haymaker over the backseat. Bring it, fat man. That's your boy back there. Does Bill Clinton seem like the president? Or does he just seem like this guy taking care in the White House till the real president shows up? I voted for him, too. I almost voted Perot. Anybody vote Perot? Did you? My mom did, too. I almost voted Perot. I just didn't think America was ready for a Keebler elf as president. Here's the deal. Here's a deal. Here's a deal. Here's a deal. Want a cookie? Want a cookie? Here's a deal. I'm rich, I'm short, and I'm nuts. That's the deal right there. I have this theory that the last five presidents of the United States have actually been cartoons. I think they've been part of the seven dwarfs. I can prove it. There was Carter. Happy. There was Ford. Dopey. Nixon would be doc. Cause he could do amazing things with tape. Stay with me, people. Reagan would be sleepy. Sleepy, yes. He used to fall asleep at meetings. This was our president. Ladies and gentlemen, President Reagan. Well, just say no. Can I have some more pros out? And Bush. Bush would be this little known dwarf. Bush would be pukey. There's a bright spot in American history, wasn't it? We send the most powerful man in the world, the leader of the free nation, to Japan to help us with our trade. Yeah. And he blows chunks on a guy. Oh, the poor Japanese guy. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. He blew chunk on me. Oh, my God. You blow chunk on me. Oh, yeah. We want to buy your car now. Yeah. I can't believe he blow chunk on me. We like, last president, he just fall asleep. He no blow chunk. What's up with that chunk? Remember this? About the same time this one Japanese man got on Japanese television and insulted America. Insulted Americans. Remember this? He apologized for this later. But this one Japanese man goes, americans are lousy workers and Americans are lazy. You know what I say to that? So, yeah, bingo, you got us. Who wants to work 18 hours a day? I don't want to work 18 hours a day. Hey, you make my VCR, I'll watch it. Just could you come over and show me how to hook it up? I was watching that guy on TV when I saw that guy say, Americans are lousy workers and Americans are lazy. Man, I almost got out of bed and turned A channel. But I have a remote control. Well, I'm a bachelor, like I said, and one of the things I hate is grocery shopping. Oh, God, I hate it. Ladies, I don't know if you like grocery shopping better than men, but you're better at it. You take lists, you're precise, you get everything. Men. We walk in a grocery store, beer, toilet paper, done. Except we get in trouble for that, don't we, guys? Cause we come home. Did you get everything? Oh. You just got beer and toilet paper, didn't ya? We needed it. You're gonna make me go back. That's right. You're going back. And here's a list. You get everything on this list, okay? And here's some coupons. No, we'll take the list, but no coupons. Ever seen a guy in a grocery store with a list? Oh, are we the lost boys? The guy could be. Under a neon sign that says rice, the guy's going, do you know where the rice is? Have you seen the rice? Hey, I'm a postal worker. Don't mess with me. That was Steve Smith live on stage. A very funny comic. And I think we can all relate to what it's like to be on a long car ride with our parents and all the other material he got to share with us. He is so funny. Hey, let's jump into something a little different. I explained it earlier. Comic ventriloquist Jay Johnson. He was on the TV show Soap. He has his buddy Bob with him. And this was recorded at a very successful outdoor concert I produced called Laughs in the Park. I think you'll enjoy it. Ladies and gentlemen, ventriloquist Jay Johnson. Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the featured headliner for this afternoon? Please, a gentleman you'll recognize from the TV show so where we play Chuck and Bob.

He is appearing tonight at the 8: 7:57

30. Show at laps Unlimited. If you want to see his whole. Set, how about a nice big round of applause, Mr. J. Johnson? Thank you very, very much. Thank you. They'll. They'll chant for anything. That's great. So welcome. Glad you're here. Kind of like performing for an LA crowd. Everybody's on grass, but I'm glad that nobody's. Those people over there have a great view. Let's wave at him across the lake. How are you? Get here early. Next time it's much better closer. I do ventriloquism from there. I could be Ekenbergen. Okay, so it's fine. Well, this is great. We got a lot of people here and I am From Los Angeles. I didn't fly in. I've been at the last limited all week. We'll get to you. Get a job. And it's kind of strange being here in Sacramento because the air is much better here than it is in Los Angeles. And so you'll think that it would make me feel better. But what happens is you have all that air stretched in your lungs and you don't get rid of it right away. And I find that, that even though I've been in Sacramento now a couple, three days, I still get that kind of. Kind of LA cough there that you get, you know, when you do that. I don't know if you get it here. Another round of applause. One guy I didn't get thanked was Scott Edwards, who has done all this. Scott, Big round of applause for Scott Edwards. Scott Edwards, one of the best homosexual club owners you could work for. And. Okay. Hi. Hi. Just a joke. He's not the best. You seem like an ice bunch. Glad you're here. I had to fly in. I'm. I'm convinced that what would make news now is a plane that lands with all its parts. You know, that's all you hear anymore is like airplanes that land without their parts. So I figure the one they always show up to is that Hawaiian Airlines, you know, they landed without a whoop. That's a little concerning to me. This is joyous Dunn right up front, she says, you know, if the cabin pressure suddenly drops, then an oxygen mask will fall from the roof and just leave. Normally they don't cover what happens if there is no roof. But they didn't retire the plane. It's now Hawaiian Airlines. It's called Tan before you land. No problem going right in because the whole thing. We've had to pass some laws now because of the way the world is. So we've had to pass some anti terrorism laws. But in America, we don't want to pass anti terrorism laws because we might want to offend somebody that might be a terrorist living in the United States. So you have to disguise those laws. And the government came up with a great compromise, came up with a law called non smoking on airlines of under 2 hours in duration. Have you heard this law means you can't smoke from here to la. Theory being that no hijacker in his right mind would hijack an airplane when there are 20 smokers that haven't had a cigarette in two hours. It's working. It's working. Friend of mine's an actor. He lost his job, so. So he tried to apply somewhere else. And he replied, right over at the Sacramento Zoo, right over here. Just right over here. And they said, well, we don't. We don't really have any place for actors. He said, well, I'll do anything. I'll sweep up. Just. Just name it. I need a job. They said, well, to be honest with you, our gorilla's sick. So if you'll just put on this gorilla suit, since you are an actor, just get in the cage. I don't think anybody will know. So he said, okay. So he got in the cage and sure enough, Sunday came around. And it wasn't one of these things. So everybody went the zoo and. And there was the monkey. And everybody kind of jumped around the eighth there. And being an actor, he felt like he had the crowd, he was doing a performance. So it began to swing real big. And it was swinging bigger and bigger and bigger. And the people are cheering and they're. They're yelling. And suddenly he gets so full of himself, he falls into the. The cage with the lion. Somebody runs the lion cage. Now they start betting on the lion. I five betts on the lion. Give me the monkey. I want the lion. Monkey, monkey. It's like big touts are saying the monkey will win. So the lion starts after the monkey. And he didn't know what to do. So he backs up, he backs up. Finally, he's the back of the cage. There he is, can't move. He's ready to scream. The lions come at him. Finally the lion jumps on his chest like that. Puts his claws, goes like that. And the guy goes, help. And the lion says, shut up. You want to get us both fired. And that's the second. It's not a true story. It's an answer. Oh, you're nice bunch. We're going to do some ventriloquism here, but what are you on here? All right. How you doing? Good. Here. Ready to come on me? Pants on. Get your pants on. This is a family show. So anyway, Bob is not the nasty person he used to be. He used to say nasty things, yellow obscenities. But I think this is his kind of crowd. The crowd, they wouldn't come out for anything that's for free. And so we're glad you're here. Bob, you ready? Not yet. Okay, let's get him out. He has been through the bed for a planet this much ever. Now, those habits he used to have are much different. But I think you're going to enjoy him, and I know he's going to enjoy you. Because I'm sure these trees will make him homesick. How you doing, monkey? Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Good night. Louise. Louise. Got a girl in there can I go to? Girl at Night? Yes, indeed. Met her here in Sacramento. Yeah, just hanging out at the river. Taking up drift clubs for a good time. I see. Yeah, she loves me. Really? Yeah, she thinks I'm a stud. Really? Yeah, I think in myself as a two by four. Well, I understand that. That was Jay and his buddy Bob, live on stage at one of my outdoor concerts. It was so much fun to get to work with him. He worked my club many, many times, normally with Harry Anderson, who you may remember from the TV show Cheers and Night Court, but a great duo. And Jay was a terrific ventriloquist and very funny. I know you enjoyed that. All right, let's get to our closing headliner. This guy started off in Hawaii. He is now living and working out of Seattle, Washington. A very funny comic, very clean. He does concerts all over the country and a little bit of TV here and there. But you'll see why he's a regular on this podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, my good friend, Kermit Appio. My dad was way ahead of his time. When I was growing up in the 70s, my dad had a voice activated remote. You say the channel you want the TV to change to, and your son better get up and do it. Little joke for the over 30s. The rest of you going, this guy's old technology. From the time I was a kid till now. I pause. You want to listen to a song, you click on it. Wow. Remember trying to find a song and a cassette pack? A lunch? Stop. Rewind. Stop. Play. Well, that's not it. Stop. Rewind. Stop. Play. That's not it either. Oh, it's on the other side. Stop. Eject. Turn over. Close. Man, I gotta shave again. Remember trying to reel up the beginning part? I am old. A couple years ago, I took my godson to see the Tomb Raider movie. It's a movie about his video game. And I'm watching this thing and I realize they never would have done this with my games. Can you see that one? Space Invaders, the movie? Oh, sure. It gets faster at the end. I didn't have Tomb Raider. I had Pong. Remember the pong? Stupid game. $200 for two lines and a dot. What was that? We were so excited. Dude, Dude. Doot. Doot. Oh, Ricochet. Slow it down, slow it down. Give me my Etch A Sketch. This is too. That's what we had at your sketch. Just a box of sand and mercury. Couple of knobs. Mom, I'm making stairs. I'm gonna do it again. We didn't have the delete key. We had manual. When computers came out, we were shaking the monitor. What the hell are you doing? I grew up in the 70s. I'm at my godson's house. We're trying to play this Super Mario Brothers video game. And he's got Super Mario and I've got Drunken Mario. He's up against a tree. Oh, oh. Hit a different button, you idiot. I can't get Mario to turn around. My godson's trying to help. He's yelling directions at me. And one of the things he says, I promise. He goes, come on, eat the mushroom. You'll get stronger. I haven't heard that in a long time, little man. This is my job skill, folks. When comedy ends, my first job interview will not go well. I won't know what to say. How about a big round of applause for the other applicants qualifications? Well, I'm lazy and sarcastic. What do you got? Eight hours in a row? Really? That's like a week and a half for me. I work an hour a day. When I have a bad day at work, it's bad for an hour. You know, I got 23 to get over it. You know, I have no skills. I'll never truly be needed. That's what I realized. This is never going to happen. Oh, my God. Is there a comedian in the house? Come on, laugh, damn it. Laugh. Clear. Tickle, tickle, tickle. Come on. I have no job skills. I have no life skills. I can't fix anything. My car breaks down, I can do two things. I can open the hood and stare. I hope to see that big problem right on top. And I mean obvious. It's gotta be like, hey, there's a poodle in here. I don't have aaa. I got this cheaper plan. I got double A. Just bunch of alcoholics pushing my car down the highway. I appreciate the 12 steps and hey, we're done. I've been doing a lot of flying. And you know what? Here's what I've learned flying through airports across America. Apparently, the smaller the town, the more I look Arab. I just go to some airports in my underwear. Are we kidding? Let's save time. Here's my shoes. Here's my pants. Yes, I'll have a seat. He's got a shampoo and nail clipper. Let's take him out now. Take him down. Not only do they take the nail clippers from you. They ask you why you have them. And don't get me wrong, I am all for safety. Absolutely. But here's the deal. If you try and take over the plane with nail clippers, I will beat the crap out of you. I haven't been in a fight since the seventh grade. But it's go time. I got this. You have nail clippers? I've got an in flight magazine with your name on it. What are you going to do? File it down for a while. Oh, man. That was Kermit Appeal live on stage. And it's so funny to think about stand up comics trying to go out and get a real job. That's funny material. Hey, we hope you enjoy this week's stand up comedy show. We had stand up comic Steve Smith, ventriloquist J. Johnson, and closing the show, my good friend Kermit Appio. We hope you enjoyed that. We'll be back next week with one of our interview shows. You guys have been terrific. We'll see us back soon. Bye. We hope you enjoyed this episode of stand Up Comedy. Your host and mc. For information on the show, merchandise and our sponsors or to send comments to Scott, visit our website at www.standupyourhost and mc.com. look for more episodes soon. And enjoy the world of stand up comedy. Visit a comedy showroom near.