"Best Of" Series- Lois Bromfield & Yakov Smirnoff "New Years Party" Show #262

Lois Bromfield and Yakov Smirnoff, both renowned figures in the comedy world, offer unique and engaging perspectives on the art of stand-up performances. Bromfield, known for her creativity and audience engagement, emphasizes the importance of diversity in comedic backgrounds, exemplified through her introduction of Smirnoff's Russian origins during their shows. Her signature bit, "Sorority Girls From Hell," which captivated audiences and was even adapted by HBO, highlights her ability to connect humorously with a wide range of spectators. Meanwhile, Smirnoff's comedy underscores the universal nature of humor, as he contrasts the freedom of American comedic expression with the restrictions faced by comedians in Russia, adding depth to his performances through his immigrant experience and insights on cultural differences.

(00:00:04) 1983 New Year's Eve Comedy Extravaganza

(00:04:11) "Sorority Girls From Hell" Comedy Transition

(00:10:54) Navigating Dating: The Fear of Imperfection

(00:15:26) Melodic Influence on Shopper's Impulse Purchases

(00:23:30) Yakov Smirnoff's Comedy Triumphs at Laughs Unlimited

(00:24:36) "Comedic Contrasts: Russian Censorship vs American Freedom"

(00:26:16) Political Tensions and International Comedy Jokes

(00:39:20) Cultural Observations Through Comedy: Underwear Preferences

Transcript

Announcer: 0:04

This is another episode of Stand Up Comedy, your host and emcee celebrating 40 plus years on the fringe of show business stories, interviews and comedy sets from the famous and not so famous. Here's your host and emcee, Scott Edwards.

R. Scott Edwards: 0:22

Hi and welcome to this week's episode. We have something totally different for you. Again, I keep mixing it up, but I'm trying to keep it entertaining for all the podcast listeners. So you've noticed some of the podcasts have interviews of comics I worked with over the 80s and the 90s, some I still work with today. And there's also a lot of great comedy sets put together in various formats from the club days, again from the 1980s and the 1990s. This particular show was a one night only show celebrating New Year's Eve in 1983. So this goes back quite a ways, but I think the entertainment is solid, is still very funny. And this New Year's format makes it kind of unique now because it was taped live for New Year's Eve. It's a bit noisy. In the background you'll hear party horns and a lot of hoots and hollers. And that's because we're trying to have a big New Year's party for all the audience. We used to do two New Year's shows. We would have a show that ended at 9 o'clock where we celebrated New York New Year's. If you didn't know, my club was located in Sacramento, California. So we had a time difference but was great for the club is that we could celebrate at 9 o'clock calling it New York New Year's. We had balloon drops and the horns and the hats and all the craziness. And then we'd kick everybody out, reset it and we'd have a second show that started at 10 and ended at midnight. And that show, the California New Year's party, was really the big extravaganza. Not only more balloons and more fun, but after the show we opened up for dancing and a lot of times had music. New Year's was always a great time at the club. Anyway, the reason I'm bringing this up is this particular show, I'm only featuring the opening act and featured act from that special New Year's Eve. It was a headliner packed evening. In this particular show, closing actually the featured act of that night, but closing this podcast, a very funny comic I'm sure you've heard of all the way from Russia, Yakov Smirnoff. We were one of the first clubs. He started working as an opening act in the early 80s and he had worked his way up to a headliner by the 1983. But in this particular case, because it was New Year's Eve and it was a headliner packed show, he was the featured position or came up second on stage. We'll talk more about Yakov later in the show. Right now, though, I want to introduce our first act. This is a very funny comedienne, Lois Bromfield, and she was a regular at the club all through the 80s and 90s. Ended up being a writer of a lot of the shows. You may know. She was one of the writers on the Roseanne show in the 90s and the Drew Carey show later on. She became a producer and writer for HBO in the early 2000s. And if you've never seen it and we're going to get to hear it on this podcast, I'm so excited to bring it to you. One of her famous bits was Sorority Girls from Hell. It was a hilarious bit that she would do live on stage for the audience. But it was so good HBO turned it into a little mini piece and you can still find it on YouTube. All you have to do is search Lois Bromfield or Sorority Girls From Hell and you'll get a chance to see this very funny short video. But what's even better than the video, we have the live performance of that bit on this podcast. It's extremely funny, very different and unique, and it comes with a lot of other material that Lois did at the time to celebrate New Year's with our audience. All right, why don't we jump into it? As I said, enjoy the comedy and entertainment of Lois Bromfield.

Lois Bromfield: 4:16

What's extra extra special about this evening's show for you? This folks, if you noticed all the tickets and all the promotion that we did, we always said special guest. Now what that means in reality is.

R. Scott Edwards: 4:26

That we didn't have anybody booked.

Lois Bromfield: 4:28

But through lots of strenuous negotiating and calling all over the country, a lot of longest in Sculptor, New York to be exact, we were able to get a gentleman that was supposed to be here a few months ago. We had to disappoint the audiences. And he wasn't here. He's from Russia with Love. He is just saw his own TV show, just was on TV with Scarecrow. Mrs. King just shot his first major motion picture as a star that'll be coming out this summer. He is also a very funny and talented comic that was written up in Playway magazine and all the rest. Ladies and gentlemen, our special Guest for this evening. It's like having three headliners. Yakov Smirnoff is here tonight just for you folks. Just tonight. One other thing I think we should mention. Please take care of your waitress and they'll be taking care of you. We gave you lots of noise makers on your tables because we want you to have a good time and really bringing the new year, right? But we don't want, you know, we don't want to upset the show too much. So try to control yourselves during the show. But just so you get it all out, everybody get together on the count of three. Lets you really hear a nice horn blast. Get it out of your system and then wait till New Year's.

Announcer: 5:50

Oh, beautiful.

Lois Bromfield: 5:53

Music to my ears. You guys got a lot of hot air. You feel better now? You ready for the show? We're gonna bring up our first act.

Announcer: 6:11

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

Lois Bromfield: 6:13

Coming up to the states from Southern California, a regular hair at Lance Unlimited. Very special treat to have her this evening. She headlines all over the country. A featured act at the Comedy Store in Southern California all the time. Also a regular on the Thick of the Night show. She'll be seen again January 9th with two repeat performances on Thick of the Night in February. Ladies and gentlemen, a wonderful round of applause. Our first act tonight, the very beautiful Lois Bromfield right here. Lois Bromfield.

Yakov Smirnoff: 6:40

You look great. Real sophisticated and stuff. That's great. Can I see your glasses for a second? I won't ruin them, I promise. I'll be real careful. Oh, did I. Oh, look, I see the them again or I'll smack your face so hard. Oh, that's right, I remember you. Yeah, these are. No, you know, these are beautiful. Look at these. So classy looking. And you'll be wanting these back real soon. These are great though. These are strong. You don't have to call home to see if everything's okay. These are great. You can look towards your house. You kids put that down. These are great. You can start fires and shit. This is great. Pour little holes in your clothes. No, you take them off. You're just a one eye, right? Glasses are great. They give you power, don't they? What do you do? Did I find out? What do you do? What do you work at? Oh, you're a lab technician. Yeah. So you can see all kinds of bacteria and stuff real close. Don't go into work, just look at the building. That's it. These are great. You know, glasses do give you power though. I had a boyfriend who wore glasses and I'm Telling me it was so awful because we'd have fights and stuff, and he'd make me feel real bad and really awful. And I'd have a fight and I'd turn to him and I didn't wear. I don't wear glasses. So I turned to him and I'd go, look, I don't need you anymore. I'm getting out real dramatic and real stupid. You know how you get, gals? You get like a 40s actress when you have a fight and you get real mad and real mean. Your shoulders get big and you walk out. I'm leaving. But he wore glasses, and he'd always make me feel real bad by doing shit like this. Real powerful, real authority with glasses. He'd go like this. But I think bank tellers have the most fun with glasses. I bank at a bank where everybody's in a bad mood all the time. Real awful, you know, and they are real bitchy. Really awful. And you go into the bank and like my bank, the one clerk that I always go to, she wears glasses and she's really awful. And she does stuff like this with glasses and really uses her authority with her glasses. She goes like this. She looks at my passbook and she goes, well, you don't have any fucking money. Next. A lovely woman. So awful. But my favorite thing is people who do this. My favorite thing is people do this. You know, it's funny. I don't really need to wear glasses. These are fun, though. I'm over here, by the way, because you're looking behind you.

Announcer: 9:09

Fuck, I don't know.

Yakov Smirnoff: 9:12

And you can wear them on your head and stuff. It's great. Did you almost fall? Just then. A charmer. I hate your machine. Do you carry anything in your purse to protect yourself? Mace or anything? You don't. So what do you do? What do you do? That's a great. That's a great way to defend yourself. I have a friend who tells me that she just puts on an attitude. You know, Attitude works every time. If somebody's gonna attack her, she just goes, don't, okay? Person thinks this person's in a bad mood. I'm not gonna piss them off anymore. Fuck it. These are great. So I guess you want to put these back on now. Do you have a little napkin? I'll clean them for you. You don't just wear them dirty. Fuck it.

Announcer: 9:58

Who cares?

R. Scott Edwards: 9:59

It's me.

Yakov Smirnoff: 10:02

The cheeked up, lovely woman. Well, it doesn't matter. You still get drunk. It's bubbly, it's effervescent. Feels good coming back up. That's good. Is this your husband boyfriend trick? What is that? No. I don't know. I mean. No. I mean, did you walk parallel on the sidewalk together? I mean, what is no commitment here at all. Is this just a friend, Right? Yeah. Well, how long are you. What is that, Electric pimp back there? Met him in the line coming in. Did you really meet him in the line? That's great. Did you? No, no, no, no, no. No. You picked him up outside? Well, he's a working associate or something. She's making shit up now. She's just making big. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'll say. I met him outside. Yeah. Yeah. It's wacky, but it just might work. Yeah.

Announcer: 10:53

Yeah.

Yakov Smirnoff: 10:54

That's great. So that's. That's real nice. I was wondering, because I want to find somebody who's on a first date. Anybody on a first date here tonight? No. No. Everybody's gotten laid. Good. Okay. Yeah. He's alone. Surprised? No, you're a lovely guy. Now, you're a nice guy. You've got lots of friends, and that's important because you need them. The kind of guy who has a life membership at gym. Okay, but those are hard to get, aren't they? It's so hot, New Year's. It's so great, though. It's so much fun. And we're all gonna scream and go berserk and throw up on ourselves, but it's fun and I love it. I go crazy. But I remember last year, I was on a date with some fella. I wasn't working, and I was on a date and just poured that drink all over her lap. That's so nice. What a gentleman. And then takes the bottle and goes, fuck it. But I was on a date with this fellow and it was really awful. I don't know about you gals out there, but I get real scared when I'm on a date with somebody I like a lot and I can't be myself. You know, I can't be a pig woman. And it's true, though. Now, don't you gals try to tell me that, you know, you act different. You know, when you like somebody, you act a lot different. Like, for example, I get terrified of things happening. Like, I'm always afraid I'm gonna get food stuck in my teeth. All night. All night long. I'm not gonna know. I got a big piece of lettuce or an olive right here. And you're sitting. You feel like such a moron, right? You're smiling all night, going, smiling. And he's going, what is that thing right there? Do I have to wear one of those to be with you? What is that? I get so terrified of stuff like that. Jesus, it's awful. Or being a pig woman. Or, like, eating food. You can never eat food the same way in front of a guy, you know, for the first time. Like. Like it's true. You go home, you know, when you're by yourself, you can just be a pig, right? Nobody can see you. And, you know, no matter how much of a lady you think you are, any of you gals and your fellas, don't let your girlfriends fool you. Because when they go home, it's like they close the door and go, food.

Lois Bromfield: 12:40

My food, my food.

Yakov Smirnoff: 12:42

That's true, pig woman, I'm telling you. And it's true. And then, you know, but when you go on a date with somebody, you can't do that. And I was out on a date one night with this fellow. We were saying that it was real nice and real romantic and stuff. And I was really afraid to be a pig woman and get like, food on my face and go, kiss me. Come on. Such a pig. And so we're sitting there, it's real nice, you know, real romantic and stuff. And I didn't eat very much because I was afraid I'd be a pig. And you know, when you don't eat a lot, your stomach gets real empty. It makes that real attractive sound, real feminine, you know? We're sitting in the car a couple hours later, we're driving along. It's real nice and quiet. Little music playing. Real romantic, real nice. All of a sudden my stomach went.

Lois Bromfield: 13:16

I want some food now.

Yakov Smirnoff: 13:20

It was so awful. And he said, what was that? I go, what was what? Nothing. Come on. Food. Jack in the box.

Announcer: 7: 13:23

11.

Yakov Smirnoff: 13:23

Come on, pig woman.

Announcer: 13:24

Come on.

Yakov Smirnoff: 13:28

We ever had that happen so often, and it's such a nightmare. But you know that feeling when you finally get home, gals, and you can finally be a pig woman. Oh, God, such a great. You don't need to get laid. You just want to be near food. You know, just be near food. She's got food all over her top. It's true, though. When you finally get home and you can finally be a pig, and you go into your bedroom and you change into your eating clothes. No bread, just roast beef, Raw, Mikey. Awful. Then you go into the kitchen and unhinge your jaw and tip back the fridge. That's all we know.

Announcer: 14:08

Such a pig.

Yakov Smirnoff: 14:09

Such a pig. It's so awful being a pig woman. I don't know. Going out on dates is weird. Going on dates is weird because of stuff like, you know, I always get turned up by things. Like when a fellow. You go into a nice restaurant, you're sitting there, it's real nice, and the fellow would turn to you, you've had a nice evening, you know, everything's gone. Just perfectly lined and everything's nice. And the gal turned to you and.

Announcer: 14:30

Says, hey, taste this. See if it's bad.

Yakov Smirnoff: 14:34

Great. Bring on all the rotted food. Little mold. Let me try it. I don't know. I don't know about you gals, but I mean, I guess when I was younger, I was pretty naive about stuff a guy would say. And I know every woman in this audience has heard this. You've heard this a million times, and it makes you go berserk. But it's very funny, you know? So I remember when I was younger, the first time I was at this fellow's apartment, and he said to me, look. Made me go crazy. He said, look, you can stay with me. Excuse yourself. You can stay with me. You can sleep in my bed and I won't touch you. I'll fuck you, but I won't touch you. What I love is when they maybe sort of say, well, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't say a no. Look, I'll even leave my underwear on.

Announcer: 15:26

Ooh.

Yakov Smirnoff: 15:26

And nothing can get through that. I feel real safe now. I'll do a strip D's act. And I know your underwear's on, so there's no problem. Better than a door. Yes, sir. Going on dates is so awful. I don't know, it's a nightmare. But I do it. I have so much fun when I come here to make course New Year's. It's really fun, but I have a great time. And I love going to all your shops here. And I went to this little shopping center called. Whatever it's called. The shopping center. Just a generic name. The shopping center. Go there. But. But I went to your shopping center. I was stealing some clothes today, and I had so much fun in there. And I was looking at clothes and stuff, and they play this music that makes you buy stuff. And I know when you go shopping, they do this to you. You go in, you don't want to buy anything. You just walk into the store and stuff and just checking things out. And they start to play that music after about 10 minutes, like, dun, dun dun dun dun, Dun, after about 10 minutes, I was going, hey, okay, 80 bucks. I'm a jerk, okay? I'm walking out with stuff I didn't want, you know? I don't know. I have so much fun, though, going shopping and stuff. Where do you go shopping? Jedi star. Wine stuff. Barbara. Are you a model now? Wine style. I'm wearing the full spring Life. What I say? What? Made to be quiet. You know, it's like a Kmart. There's a lovely woman. Well dressed, too. That's nice. Yeah, Kmart's. Nice clothes, huh? You want. You want shirts with unicorns on them? Did you go to college? She's got her foot on the stage like this. Somebody, like, kick you in the back? Are you. Yeah. Feel free to just lounge, you know.

Announcer: 17:06

If you want to.

Yakov Smirnoff: 17:06

If you're cold, Wrap the curtain around you and shit. Do whatever you feel is right. That's. I was at a college because I wanted. I'm from Canada originally. Anybody from Canada? No. Really? You're from Canada? Where in Canada, huh? Newfoundland. Newfoundland, Newpland. There you go. Sounds like a thing you get on your lip a little. Nukeland. This Newplan's gotta come out from Newfoundland. That's a hip place, isn't it? Yeah. You want to be from there? No, I'm from Toronto, in Toronto. And you're from Newfoundland. And you swam here tonight and you're happy to be here? No, but that's great. That's great. I wanted to go to college, but I'm from Canada, and I'll tell you something. I wanted to go to college so badly, I didn't go because I feel free to sneeze. Don't worry about me. I want to go so badly. But I used to watch these movies about college life, you know? And they weren't like just normal movies that you guys have here, normal stuff. But you Americans would send all their awful films up there and put them on screen for us. And it's true, really awful. But I used to watch these movies about college life, right? And they were really stupid. Really never. They never meant anything. Real silly. And they'd have four characters in them, right? In college films, they were like murder mysteries, and they were always in black and white and cost about $4 to make. Real stupid. And they'd have four main characters. The first three characters in these college films were the three girls, right? The three real tough girls of the school that set all the trends and were real tough and real brave and real bold and flirted with all the guys and hated all the girls, and they hung around together all the time, the three gals. There was a blonde, brunette and a redhead. And the names were like, Donna, Sandra and Debbie, right? The three sluts of the school, right? And the film would be called something like Sorority Women From Hell. Real stupid name to the film, right? With like, runny letters and stuff. Real stupid. And they'd have them. And you see them in the beginning of the movie standing there on the campus. And they wore, like, really pointy shoes, you know, with a little. Like the people with one toe. And really awful. And they'd wear, like really, really tight, tight blouse. And their tits always stuck out. And they were real tight.

Announcer: 18:52

Tough.

Yakov Smirnoff: 18:53

Real, real tough. And they wore, like, lots of jewelry and lots of makeup and stuff. And their hair was always all frizzed out and lots of lipstick. And they'd smoke cigarettes. They had lipstick on the end. They bought them that way. And real awful, real awful. And they'd smoke cigarettes and they'd walk around and they'd see some guy walk by and they'd go. They'd shoot, Bob. And they'd go, hey, Bob, why don't you come on over later and see us? And they were just real obnoxious. And they'd laugh real loud. And you hated them. Everybody hated them in the whole campus, right? And you hated them watching them and TV hated them. And every time you'd see them in the film, in this movie, you'd hear their theme music. You'd hear this. They'd be smoking, you'd hear, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. So when you heard that music, you knew you were going to see the three awful, tough girls in the campus, right? So in this film with the three sorority women from hell was this one girl who was real weird, you know. Real quiet, real severe, real scared of everything. And she never looked anybody straight in the eye, you know. And she. Her name was Irma Munson. And she was real strange. And she wore, like, real long skirts with a pin through her skirt, through her leg and back through her skirt again. And she was real weird, you know, Real scared like this. And she never wore jewelry or anything. She was real smart. She'd wear her clothes all done up to the top and real short hair. No makeup or anything. No jewelry, nothing. And had her books all attached to her chest like this. And she was real scared. And every time you'd see her in the movie, you'd hear this. So you knew there was something not quite right with Irma. Wasn't good. So she was mental. So every time the girls would see Irma, they taunt her and tease her and push her because she was so weird. She had cooties and she smelled funny, the whole bit. Everything was wrong. They made everything wrong with her, you know? So she walked by, minding her own business, never bothering anybody, just being smart and to herself and scared of the three girls, right? She'd walk by and the girls would see her. They'd go, hey, Irma, look at your stupid clothes. You can't even get a guy. Yes, I'm stupid. She go, leave me alone. I've done nothing to you. Irma's going to go nuts. And every day, all the time, no matter what, she'd walk by, the girls go. She go, please, no more. Leave me alone. So one day, okay? So one day.

Announcer: 21:28

So.

Yakov Smirnoff: 21:28

So one day, Irma's walking home, right? And it's like six months she's been bugged every day, all the time. She can't take anymore. Her glasses are cracked on one side. She's really getting pissed. And she's walking home, right? And it's pouring rain. And the girls are in the sorority house. They got the music turned up real loud. And they're dancing and smoking and fooling around with guys. And they're just disgusting, awful. They got their tops off and stuff. And you can hear the music real loud. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun dun. And Irma's walking home and it's raining and the rain is stopping right here because it's fucking scared of her too. So it's not good. And she's walking along and you can hear her shoes in the mud going. And she's walking home in here. Dun, dun, dun, dun dun dun. Here comes Irma. Dun, dun, dun, dun dun dun. Here comes. And the sorority. How she hears. Dun dun dun dun dun. We're so awful. And she walks in and the girls go, hey, Irma, why don't you dance for us? Why don't you dance for us, Irma? You can't even get a guy. You're so stupid. Emma, Emma, Emma. Stupid, ugly Emma. Dun, dun, dun, dun dun.

Announcer: 22:29

She goes, no more, please.

Yakov Smirnoff: 22:30

Dun dun dun, dun dun dun. Because. And her glasses crack on the other side. She runs into a room and she's going, no more, please. I've done nothing. Down the hall, you hear? And all of a sudden, she picks up a letter opener off her desk. Dun dun. Irma's finally gone berserk. She's going fucking nuts. And she starts walking down the hall towards the girl's room. That's how you walk when you're gonna kill somebody. And down the hall you hear, and the girls stare and they go, oh, my God, it's over. Oh, my God. And she goes, ka, ka, da, ka. And she kills them all. So that's why I never went to college. Thank you very much. You've been very nice. Happy New Year.

Lois Bromfield: 23:30

That's it for L. What a lady. Oh, you having a good time? Good. Keep that thought. What a crowd. What a show. Right now, ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna bring up our next act in amongst the horns once again. Try not to interrupt the show too much because we want to keep things going right along. We don't want to miss midnight, you know. Coming up, ladies and gentlemen, our special guest we told you about. He's here just for this evening and. And then he's gonna be staying through as a headliner last week. But we brought him up early as a special treat for this show. He has a normal headliner here at Laughs Unlimited. He's from Russia originally. He's been done. He just had an article on him in People magazine, Playboy magazine, in Penthouse. He is coming out in a movie this April starring Robin Williams and he's the co star. It's called Moscow on the Hudson. It's coming out this April starring Robin Williams, co starring Yaakov Smirnoff. Keep an eye out for that very talented young man. Let's give him a nice round of applause. From Russia, Yakov Smirunov. Let's hear it.

Yakov Smirnoff: 24:36

Yeah.

Announcer: 24:36

Come on. And that's what happens. I am actually. I am actually from Russia. I was born there, grew up there, worked as a comedian out there, got out of Russia six years ago. Very unusual way, alive. What surprises me that Americans don't know that we have comedy in Russia. We have comedians. They're there, they're dead. They're there. It's hard to do comedy in Russia because you gotta write out all your material and you send it to Department of Jokes. I'm not making this up. They send it back to you censored and you have to stay with the script. You can't improvise. If somebody heckles you from the audience, you can't say like, your mother wears army boots, because she probably does and she'll hurt you, you know? Yeah, it's great that the comedy out here. You can go on a stage and actually say anything you want to. You can go even to President Reagan and say, I don't like Reagan. We can do the same thing. In Russia, we can go to Andropov and say, I don't like Reagan. Almost the same thing. I got into comedy in Russia. I entered the contest on the best political joke. First prize was 20 years. Should have been a good joke. And the guy who won the contest, he was telling Polish jokes. Polish people bought 200 septic tanks and they will attack Russia when they learn how to drive them. Or how many Russians does it take to screw Poland? And there was no punchline. They gave him 20 years to think of one. He's still working on it. They didn't like the joke I told him, I don't know why. Would you like to hear the joke? You heard the shit. Okay, I'll tell it in English. There is a rule in Russia. If they ask you, who is your father? You're supposed to answer, my father is Soviet Union. Who is your mother? My mother is Communist Party. Whom you want to be? I want to be a builder, for example. They asked me, who is your father? I said, my father is Soviet Union. Who's your mother? My mother is Communist Party. Whom you want to be? I want to be an orphan. And after that I was supposed to go to winter camp, like summer camp in Siberia. Siberia is a very interesting place. Siberia has the world's fastest dogs. Because in Siberia, trees are 200 miles apart. It's like to pee or not to pee. It's a waste land. There is no civilization, no communication. You cut off from humanity. It's like Bakersfield. Not as bad as Bakersfield. That's when I realized I want to get out of Russia. But it's not easy to get out of Russia because you apply. You apply for a visa, but they give you MasterCard. What you're going to do with a MasterCard. So after two years of waiting, I got an answer. Get out. And I'm flying American airline. And the first time in my life I was introduced to American people. I didn't know how Americans look because we used to watch movies from America, like Three Stooges. And they would tell us that's how Americans look, you know, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. And that's how they explained why we need so many weapons. Because if somebody hits it with a shovel in the face, you gotta have a missile or something. So here I am on the airplane now. Airplanes are so different, you know, in Russia, we didn't have, like, frills. We would buy first class, first class tickets to have some advantages, like, you can sit down, you know, restrooms outside. And it's a bitch when you're facing the wrong way. So here I am on the plane. They gave me headphones. I'm watching a movie. Something was funny in the movie. I start laughing. Now my laughter is a little bit different than American people laugh. Like because we're not allowed to laugh out. So we laugh in and it sounds obnoxious, like. So I start laughing and the oxygen mask fell out. Then Stuart is announced. Please bring your seats all the way forward. I had no tools and they're screwed to the floor. Then I walked into the restroom and there is a sign next to the toilet says no foreign objects allowed. And it's 12 hours. Flight wasn't funny then. My first stop, my first stop in America was in Cleveland, Ohio. Anybody from Cleveland by chance, are you? They made me feel at home in Cleveland. So I had to escape again. I. I make fun of Cleveland only because everybody makes fun of Cleveland. Every country has a city people make fun of. In Russia, we used to make fun of Cleveland. Then I got to New York. New York was fun. I walked out of the airplane, I saw my name written, big letters, Smirno. And I said to myself, what a country. I didn't speak English. I couldn't find a job. So I was selling drugs for$3 an hour. They told me it's a union scale. I didn't know about drugs. They don't have drugs in Russia. They all in Afghanistan. That's why they invaded the country. And troops been told to get out of there about a year ago. But they too stoned to find the border, smoking the cigarettes called Gustavsky Moscowi. Wowee. The only drugs they do have are downers. We call them bullets. Dell Melly. Oh, wow. Bitching. Everybody was telling me try drugs, try. So I tried Xlocks. And I wasn't getting high. I was sitting real low. Then someone gave me that white powder, cocaine. And they said, if you want to make it last longer, chop it up as a razor. So I used my Norelco. That was a mistake. Now every time I shave, it cost me$200. Then I cried. Acid burned my lips. I realized I can't sell drugs for a long time. I have to learn new language to get a decent job. So I locked myself into a room and I was watching television for three months. And then I realized it was a Spanish station. The only job I could get was body and fender work. I'll tell you, English is not an easy language. I've been in America six and a half years and I still make mistakes. I was performing couple of weeks ago at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. The girl came over to me after the show and she said, I enjoyed your show. I had a guess. Now, I appreciate the honesty, but I don't want to know. Then. Then she invited me to her place and she said, would you like some cheesecake? I said, I don't really like cheesecake. Do you have anything like Jello or something? She said, oh, yeah, I have plenty of Jello. I have J coming out of my ears. Said, I'll have cheesecake. Why bother with jello? English is a very interesting language. I was reading newspaper. The ad in the paper said, big sale last week. Now why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in. I was working one club in Texas, and the club owner came over to me after the show and he said, you're doing a good job, but you're getting a little hoarse. So I thought, I'm getting cash. That was the deal. But I like that little pony. It's nice. He actually, he had a big farm near Dallas, and he took me to his farm. Now, I'm from Odessa, Russia, and it's a big city. I never was familiar with, with animals, and he was very nice. He took me around, showed me everything, and explained me about every animal. He even let me milk his bull. And I learned something. You milk this animal once, you have a friend for life. He was following me around. Very nice animal. Yeah, I. I was in England about a month ago. I was doing television show there and. And it was interesting because I. I. English language. English. English is very hard for me to understand because they use certain expressions that Americans don't use. Like, for example, they call restroom. They call toilet. And I walked in a British Airways on a plane. I walked into a restaurant. There's a sign on the door says, no smoking in the toilet. Now, why would I do that? Anyway? The lead would hit me on the head. Stupid, you know? Then I'm checking the hotel in London, and they call erasers, they call robbers. And the clerk wanted to erase something, and he said to his partner, can I borrow your rubber for a second? Now, I said, what kind of hotel is this? You gotta borrow rubber for a second. And I hardly know you. Please take me to dinner or something. The word yep was very confusing. Yep in English means yes. In Russian, it means sex. I'm not making this up. I'm arriving to America. I'm just hearing yep, yep, yep, yep. I said to myself, what a country. Yep. I asked, friend of mine, you want to do something tonight. He said, yep. I said, no. You see, we don't have gay people in Russia. We have homosexuals. They just can't be gay about this. They can't. They get seven years in prison for homosexuality, locked up with other men. And there is three years waiting list for that. Yep. I used to make mistakes. I remember when I moved to Los Angeles, I wanted to see Pacific Ocean and go on the beach. Yep. And I asked the girl in the street, how do you get to Santa Monica beach? And she kicked me in the groin. There was no more. Yup. There. I used to walk into ladies rooms. That was really embarrassing because women would scream. You see, in Russia you walk into the ladies room, they don't scream. You do. It's not a pretty picture. I don't want to make fun about Russian women because it's not really their fault that they look like that. They don't have oil overlay, they have lard overlay. There's no products for women. We had exhibition in Moscow about seven years ago. It was exhibition of women's underwear. I went there just for fun, not to buy anything. Better sale. And there was sale. First came French woman and she asked for seven pair of underwear. I said, why do you need seven pairs? She said, well, it's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Every day I need different pair. Nexus, American woman, she asked for five pair. So why do you need five? She said, well, it's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. But Saturday and Sunday I don't need it. Yep. And Nexus, Russian woman, she asked for 12 pairs. Why do you need 12? She said, well, it's a January. Polish woman asked for forefront for summer. Winter was gross. I used to date Russian girl. She was very nice girl, but she was large. She looked a lot like Orson Welles, but different. Different color beard, very big girl, 300 pound title. She wasn't wearing a bra. She was wearing leg warmer. And then she bought that, cross your heart, hammock. You know the thing. She was so much fun before work, I'd slap her in the behind. Come back, it's still moving. I bought her a hula hoop. She thought it was an engagement ring. Large lady. But I love American women. American women sexually do things that Russian women wouldn't think of doing, like showering. It's great. I love to date. It took me a while start dating American women. I was dating Valley girl and she said, gag me. So I did. When the police came, I think American women like me because I don't know much about America. And I, you know, I'm very easygoing with American women. The only thing I need is, like, 10 minutes of meaningless sex, you know, and it works. My dream is to make a baby with an American woman tonight. And that's it. It's great to be here. There's so many wonderful things in this country I love. Like food, for example. Food was very hard for me to adjust because when I grew up, you know, my mother used to put empty plate in front of me and say, star, there are children eating in America. You know, it was normal. And when I came to America, I used to eat frozen dinners. And then I realized they should be warm because mashed potatoes was crunchy, you know, so something was wrong. So I bought microwave oven. I bought it in a garage sale for $25. And it was good, but it didn't have a front door. But it worked, you know? Know, eventually I bought a front door, and eventually my eyebrows grew back. But my cat gave birth to a guppy, so something was wrong. First restaurant I went to was Denny's restaurant. We don't have Denny's in Russia, thank God. I walked in and they said, how many people in your party as a 2 million? And they gave me a corner booth. Very clever. Dennis was an interesting place. So the waiter was bringing my food, and he had finger in the soup. And I didn't say anything, you know. Then he brought my second cork and he had finger in the gravy. And I said, why do you hold finger in my food? He said, I have infection in my finger. And my doctor told to keep it in a warm place. I said, why don't you shove it up your ass? He said, I do it when I'm in the kitchen. You don't like this joke, you'll be telling it tomorrow. Not giving me a credit. Anyway, this is a real Russian suit, made in Poland. And don't look for the union label. Those are Russian designer jeans. Calvin Kremlin. This is what they advertise on Russian television. You see, we don't have different brand names of things. Like clothes would say clothes. Generic stuff. Yeah, that's it. There's no products. I mean, there is no reason to advertise. There's two channels on television. Channel one is propaganda. Channel two, there's a KGB officer who tells you, turn back to Channel One. There's no comedy, no variety. We used to watch shows in Russia. Soap operas like One Day to Live or Search for All My Children. Game shows like Bowling for Food. Shows like Love Orange or Leave it to brush. My favorite show is about the guy who has an opportunity to leave Russia but stays called. That's incredible. Then Wonder Woman. She looks like a woman, but you wonder. Commercials are different too. You have American Express, we have Russian Express. Commercial goes like this. Russian Express card. Don't leave home. Reach out, interrogate someone. That's why I like American commercials. They're so cute. I love those dancing cats, cha cha cha cha. And singing raisins. And little guy in a boat in the toilet. And then they tell you, don't use drugs. I can talk about this because I'm a pepper. I wish I was an Oscar Mayer winner. Can't have it all. Certain commercials are so cute. Like, I love this baby bottles commercial. As good as breastfeeding. What a country. I bought two of them. It's great. No commitment. It's wonderful. I love freedoms you have. I saw this box says new freedom. And I thought to myself, what a country. Freedom in a box. I bought 15 of them. If any of you need some, I still have it. I didn't know what those things were. I bought Super Maxi. I figured I should get as much rhythm as possible. And I would write letters to my friends in Russia and I would put them in the envelope. I figured they should enjoy some freedom too. Then I read it says sanitary napkins. And I would put them on the table and people would go, yeah. Then I thought they're like knee pads, you know, or a headband. And people would go, what the hell are you wearing? I don't do it anymore. I buy Stay freight. Sports. American sports are great. Also, my favorite American sports sport is golf. I went to play golf about seven months ago and my score was 84. We didn't play a second hole. Takes too long. And after the game, friend of mine showed me a ball washing machine. Do you know. Do you know this? I didn't. It was in the middle of the golf course and I said to myself, what a country. But it's hard to stay on top of that goddamn thing. And you gotta do it one at a time. And it tickles, you know? And then they have a big billboard says, please register your ball. What a country. You lose them, they send them back to you. Then I love the experience person you have in baseball, when you have four balls, you walk. How can you run with four ball? Here you walk, you walk proud and very slow. Now what I want, I want to introduce you to the classical Russian instrument, which is a big invention in Russia. What a country. I'm gonna play these spoons and sing this song for you now. If you recognize this song, sing along with me, okay? Can we try that song? Sing along. I don't know about you people, but I'm enjoying myself right now. If you recognize this song, please clap your hands. Once upon a time there was a tower. Hey, doctor lady for a second. We're used to racing lesser too. Remember how we loved Maybe ours? Remember? Yep. Oh, he's getting urinated. Oh, can you help me, everybody? I'm sure you know the lyric. We sing and dance forever and ever day.

Yakov Smirnoff: 48:56

Try it.

Announcer: 48:56

You can do it, but never lose. When we were young and sure to have our way.

Yakov Smirnoff: 49:04

Happy New Year. Good night.

Announcer: 49:06

Thank you.

Lois Bromfield: 49:11

J From Russia. We're halfway through the show. You're having a good time.

R. Scott Edwards: 49:22

Ladies and gentlemen, that was the very memorable Yakov Smirnoff. As I mentioned in the beginning, he first came over from Russia about 1977 and started working for my club in the early 80s as an opening act and worked his way up pretty quickly to a featured act and then a headliner. On this particular special one night only New Year show, he was the featured act and as you can see, as funny as ever. I'm sure you'd recognize. If you don't recognize the name, you'd recognize him. He was in the movie Moscow on the Hudson with Robin Williams. He was a regular on Night Court with our good friend Harry Anderson. And if you didn't know, later on in the 90s and into the 2000s, he had his own theater in Branson, Missouri. That's right, it was the Yakov Smirnoff Theater in Branson, Missouri, where he went on to perform his act live on stage, including Russian singers and dancers for many, many years. Hey, something else of interest. Yakov Smirnoff hit the peak of his popularity in the mid to late 80s when communism was starting to crash and fall in Russia. In fact, he ended up writing material for Ronald Reagan, who was meeting with Brezhnev and some of those guys during that shutting down of communism. And Yakov ended up being the lead speaker at the correspondence dinner at one of those years. He was a regular at the White House and did a lot of writing for President Ronald Reagan at the time. He has since retired from that and went into academics. He went on to get 2 degrees and is still educating and teaching around the country and still occasionally does a performance here and there. Well, that was our special show for this week. We hope you enjoyed the podcast. Flashing back to 1983 in a new year show certainly has a lot of history to it, but I'm sure you agree the comedy stays fresh and still works. Thanks again for listening to the podcast. If you get a chance, share it, rate it, and thanks so much for listening. Bye.

Announcer: 51:33

We hope you enjoyed this episode of Stand Up Comedy. Your host and emcee. For information on the show, merchandise and our sponsors, or to send comments to Scott, visit our website at www.standupyourhostandmc.com. look for more episodes soon and enjoy the world of Stand Up Comedy. Visit a comedy showroom near.