"Best Of" Series- A Stand-Up Christmas: Tales from the Comedy Circuit- Show #285

Unwrap a present filled with laughter as our special holiday podcast brings together some of comedy's most brilliant minds sharing their hilarious, heartwarming, and occasionally cringe-worthy Christmas experiences.

Greg Schwem kicks things off with the evolution of his family's improvised Christmas carol tradition, where party guests receive personalized verses set to "Up on the Housetop" – a tradition born from alcohol and creativity that became an eagerly anticipated annual event. Meanwhile, Kermit Apio transports us to Hawaii, where Santa mysteriously arrives via yellow cab with a garbage bag full of presents in broad daylight, challenging everything we thought we knew about Christmas logistics while demonstrating children's remarkable ability to overlook inconsistencies when gifts are involved.

The emotional highlight comes from Yakov Smirnoff, who recounts his family's first Christmas in America after escaping the Soviet Union. Having grown up with "New Year's trees" and "Father Frost" in a country where religious holidays were banned, Yakov was overwhelmed when neighbors in his Bronx apartment building showed up at his door with furniture, food, clothing, and appliances he didn't even recognize. "In this most wonderful nation on earth, there's a little bit of real Santa Claus in every American," he reflects.

Gift-giving disasters abound as Tim Bedore shares his catastrophic decision to give his girlfriend an urn (which he didn't recognize as such) in front of her entire family, while Steve Bruner warns against giving appliances as Christmas presents. Larry Brown offers a different perspective on holiday disappointment, recounting how bombing his Tonight Show audition just before Christmas 1984 led to "probably the worst Christmas of my life."

Whether you're celebrating with family, working through the holidays, or just needing a laugh to counter seasonal stress, these comedians' perspectives remind us that behind perfect holiday imagery, real celebrations are often messy, unexpected, and make the best stories for years to come. Pour some eggnog, find a comfortable spot, and let these comedy professionals unwrap the holiday season in ways that will have you laughing into the new year.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introducing the Holiday Special
• 8:11 Greg Schwem's Comedic Christmas Caroling
• 15:04 Musical Holiday Humor with Rick Allen
• 21:37 Steve Bruner's Christmas Gift-Giving Failures
• 33:17 Yakov Smirnoff's First American Christmas
• 46:45 Kermit Apio's Hawaiian Christmas Traditions
• 57:27 Larry Brown's Tonight Show Holiday Heartbreak
• 1:02:57 Tim Bedore's Vague but True Christmas Special

Transcript

R. Scott Edwards: 0:01

Hi everyone, welcome back to Stand-Up Comedy, your host and emcee. For over five years, we've been diving deep into the world of stand-up comedy, sharing stories, insights and laughs with some of the most talented comedians, club owners and industry insiders around. Now we're taking you on a trip down memory lane with a special best of series. We've handpicked some of the most unforgettable moments, greatest laughs and top insights from past episodes. So, whether you're a longtime listener or just joining us, these episodes are packed with gems you won't want to miss. So sit back, relax and get ready to relive the laughs. This is Stand-Up Comedy, your host and emcee the best of edition.

: 0:51

This is another episode of Stand-Up Comedy, your host and emcee Celebrating 40 plus years on the fringe of show business Stories, interviews and comedy sets from the famous and not so famous. Here's your host and emcee, scott Edwards.

R. Scott Edwards: 1:08

Hey, hello everybody and happy holidays. This is my special Christmas podcast. I've gone to a lot of editing and effort to bring you something very unique and special. It's going to last a tad longer than our normal show but all meant to be a lot of fun, kind of my podcasting gift to you, my audience. And look at it this way, think of it as the reason for the season.

R. Scott Edwards: 1:38

Hey, we got a great lineup of talent to share jokes, music and stories of the holiday season Coming up later on. Bruce Baby man Bomb shares a special story we hear from famous Russian comic Yakov Smirnoff in his first Christmas in the US. Tim Medor did a special Vague but True for us. Larry Bubbles Brown shares why the holidays have a little bit of a sting to them for him. We have some jokes by Steve Bruner, some comedy music by Dennis Blair he opened up for George Carlin for over a decade and from New York Rick Allen shares a little Christmas tune and Greg Schwimm has some great holiday stuff that his family does every year. And Matt Dryden out of Tennessee shares humorous holiday story and comic Bruce Smirnoff from Florida shares a little bit of his humor and a special treat from Seattle. Kermit Apio talks about what it was like celebrating Christmas in Hawaii as a child.

R. Scott Edwards: 2:48

So, as you can see, we have a great lineup of entertainment. Hopefully you'll enjoy listening to it as much as I've enjoyed making it for you. To you and your family, I wish you a very happy holiday season. And for now, let's jump into our holiday special. I'm so lucky to have on the line, sharing his holiday spirit with us, a very talented professional comic. He does cruise ships clubs all over the country. He's a very successful public speaker. Greg Schwem is with us and he's going to share his family's holiday tradition. Hey, greg, merry Christmas.

: 3:26

Merry Christmas, Scott. It is so great to be here at this festive time of year. What a great idea that you have, by the way, doing this holiday-themed podcast.

R. Scott Edwards: 3:38

Well, it's just so fun to get all the guys and gals together to share what they find funny about the holidays. And you were saying that in your family. You have taken one of the traditional Christmas songs and kind of twisted it a bit right.

: 3:55

A little bit. See, this is what happened so years ago. So we used to celebrate Christmas Eve. My family, and then my dad, our college college friend, and our families used to get together every Christmas Eve and myself and his college buddy's son both played guitar not well, but we played guitar so we would always, after dinner we would sing, we would sing Christmas carols, okay, so everybody get around to gather around dinner, we'd sing Christmasols, and one year we were we don't really know how this happened and, by the way, just so you know, this party it was, the cast of characters always changed. That was the great thing about it. I mean, as the kids got older, you know, they would bring home college friends who maybe didn't, couldn't afford to go home for the holidays, or just you know, we've had foreign exchange students, we had people going through marital issues, you know, but everybody was welcome, but it was never the same group of people every year.

R. Scott Edwards: 4:56

And that sounds like a lot of families. The holidays is kind of an open door policy and every year there's a different group, but I guess that made the singing a little more interesting.

: 5:08

Absolutely so. One year we were singing the song Up on the Housetop. So you know, up on the housetop there's Paul, out comes, out, jumps good old Santa Claus. And then you remember the corresponding verses. The next one was like you know, first comes the stock game crew, let's go now. You know, oh, you know, first comes the stocking. So now you know, oh, dear Santa, fill it. Well, you know, oh, oh, oh, who wouldn't go? Okay, so that was the course.

R. Scott Edwards: 5:33

So for some reason, Ladies and gentlemen, that was a nice little Christmas music.

: 5:41

And we're done. Yeah, no, so I don't know what happened. There was a lot of alcohol involved in these things. No, I know, I know, it just happened. You know, once you bring out a box of white Zinfandel, who knows what's going to happen?

R. Scott Edwards: 5:57

Christmas favorite at our house.

: 5:59

Yes, exactly, yes, exactly. So myself and this other guy, we started ad-libbing on the spot versus for everybody in the room. Ok, so, everybody, we would just like look around. And you know, the guy's name is John. You know, next comes the stocking for little John and we were, we were both, he was, he had a very good comedic mind too. He had a very good comedic mind too, and we were both pretty good at thinking on our feet and we just started ad-libbing. You know, just another line and another line, and another line. And we're like, okay, this is kind of fun. And there was no filter. And so we did it ad-libbed. And the next year somebody said, you know, you guys are going to do your verses again, right? And I'm like, oh God, I didn't realize we had a job.

R. Scott Edwards: 6:50

Now there's an obligation to entertain.

: 6:54

Right Now I've been hired and I don't even know if I get paid for this. So we would get a few drinks and before dinner we would disappear for like an hour and we would have a list of everybody that was at the party and we'd write a verse for everybody, and sometimes I'd be like, okay, you know the guy that just showed up and is back to work. We had like nothing to go on. And then after dinner we'd come down and we'd sing all of them and I mean God, scott, one year I think our record was like 28 people.

R. Scott Edwards: 7:29

Oh, my gosh.

: 7:30

Sometimes it was like 10. But one year just everybody was invited and everybody showed up.

R. Scott Edwards: 7:36

But it sounds like so much fun and a great way to kind of bring everybody together, because, uh, we all know in comedy, poking fun at each other is is not only hilarious but uh, uh is all self-deprecating and fun there's nothing wrong with it and you can kind of go to the edge of the water.

: 7:56

Don't dip your toe too far in, you know like don't don't get too personal with people, yeah you don't talk about lar's sex change, but you can still get some.

: 8:05

Yeah, exactly. Okay, that's hilarious, greg, that kind of thing. So like, let's suppose you came to the party, okay. So we'd be like, okay, this guy's got it, what's his deal? And I'd say, well, I know he has a podcast and I know he has comedians on the podcast. You're listening to his podcast. Well, he's been in comedy forever. Okay, that's all we need. So your verse would be something like next comes the stocking for Little Scott. His comedy podcast is really hot. His comedian guests should bring great ratings. Too bad, they peaked in the 1980s. Okay, wait a minute minute. That would be your little I get. I get a little promotion and a little jab at you.

R. Scott Edwards: 8:53

Oh no, that's hilarious. Hey, thanks so much for doing a verse on me. Yes, exactly.

: 8:59

well, I can't really, you know, you really can't get a sense of what, how weird this was until you're part of it, until you're part of it, right, greg?

R. Scott Edwards: 9:07

thanks so much for sharing this great holiday tradition for the Schwem family. I wish you continued success as a comic. I know you're going out on some cruises soon you got public speaking events all year round but stopping and sharing a little holiday cheer in this great family musical story has been fun. Thanks so much, greg, my pleasure.

: 9:30

Happy holidays to you.

R. Scott Edwards: 9:31

And now for something completely different on this holiday special. Here is a recorded set from a comic out of New York, rick Allen, very talented, fun guy, and he sent me a live recording of a set he did where he celebrates breast-mas. Here we go.

: 9:51

Preferred method. What is it? It's cleavage. Cleavage is the preferred method of women getting men's session. I want to talk about cleavage here for a minute. Cleavage is like getting a preview to a show that you're never going to see. Breasts are like Gus' joke that he played on men.

: 10:07

Men like to look at breasts and women put them on display for men to see, but we're not allowed to look.

: 10:12

No, fair, unfair. I think they should have a holiday, one day out of the year where women have to show us their breasts.

R. Scott Edwards: 10:19

They can call it breastmas. On the first day of breastmas, my true love gave to me a large pair of double Ds.

: 10:37

Eight breast-a-milking seven topless dancers, six hookers hooking, five nipple rings, Four girls, one wild, three pornos, two hooter girls and a large pair of double Ds.

R. Scott Edwards: 10:46

Thank you. That was Rick Allen out of New York, giving his own little twist to the 12 Days of Christmas. Anyway, we want to keep the musical aspect of our Christmas special going. Here's a special song that was put together and actually professionally recorded by Dennis Blair. You may know that name. He opened up for George Carlin for over a decade. Very talented stand-up comic and apparently knows how to sing. Ladies and gentlemen, here's a song by Dennis Blair.

: 11:25

Here we are. Well, santa Claus, he smiles a lot. I would too, with the life he's got. Oh, santa's got it easy, santa's got it easy, santa's got it easy. Santa's got it easy. Santa's got it easy. Only works one day a year. Well, if I did that, they'd call me a bum. That's unemployment where I come from.

: 11:48

Hey, santa's got it easy. Santa's got it easy. Well, santa's got it easy. Santa's got it easy. Santa's got it easy. Only works one day a year. Well, he puts some toys upon his sleigh, hops on the wagon and zooms away. Takes one day to do that chore Sleep for the other three. Sixty-four. How much free time can you take? That's what I call a coffee break. Hey, santa's got it easy. Santa's got it easy. Santa's got it easy. Santa's got it easy. Santa's got it easy. Only works one day a year. Oh, blow it, st Ned. Well, he puts some toys upon his sleigh, hops on the wagon and snooze away. Takes one day to do that chore Sticks for the other three 64.

: 12:48

If I had a job like that, I'd wear that stupid suit and hat. Hey, santa's got it easy. Santa's got it easy. Well, santa's got it easy. Santa's got it easy. Well, santa's got it easy, only works one day. Yeah, one more time now. Well, santa's got it easy. Santa's got it easy. Well, santa's got it easy. Santa's got it easy. Well, santa's got it easy, only works one day. Well, santa's got it easy, only works one day. Oh yeah, hey, santa, get a real job.

R. Scott Edwards: 13:35

Oh, wow, that was great. That was a song by Dennis Blair, a very talented stand-up comic who made a huge career in his life, and he shared that special holiday tune just with us. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Hey, I have a special introduction coming up. Here we go. Oh man, this has been so much fun. This holiday special is moving right along. Hey, and you know what I have on the line? One of my best friends in comedy. He's worked my clubs for years. He's still doing major shows for me every year. Why? Because he's one of the funniest and cleanest comics in the business. Ladies and gentlemen, a warm holiday welcome to Steve Bruner. Steve, thanks for joining us for the holidays, thank you.

: 14:19

Thank you, scott, happy holidays, ho, ho, ho and all that kind of good stuff. I don't know if you're growing your Santa beard just for the occasion or you're hanging your holly or your mistletoe. That's one way to get in with them. What do they call that? I work for myself, so I don't have what's that called when you're inappropriate with the workers or something?

: 14:43

Yeah, sexual harassment when you're inappropriate with the workers or something, you have sexual harassment. I, I, I, I did get sued for sexual harassment, which is weird because I'm self-employed. Well, you know, that's the I'm going to tell you, scott, that is the one of the worst things about being your own boss and working for yourself come Christmas is it is the absolute worst secret Santa in the entire world. There is no secret in the secret Santa.

R. Scott Edwards: 15:15

Yeah, and I guess the Christmas party might be a bit of a letdown, Although.

: 15:23

I always get lucky. Let me just say that, I'll tell you. It takes some of the mystery out of party of one. I always get lucky. Let me just say that, I'll tell you.

R. Scott Edwards: 15:26

It takes some of the mystery out of that end of it. Well, there's a little gift for you.

: 15:30

I know who I'm going home with yeah okay, I keep talking over you, sorry, scotty.

R. Scott Edwards: 15:35

No, no, no. I'm just excited to have you on the phone and you're taking us right down the it's like a Christmas gift.

: 15:42

You are like a Christmas gift all year long, buddy. Anytime I get a phone call from you, I know there's going to be a good laugh on one end or the other.

R. Scott Edwards: 15:51

Well, Steve, you've been on the road doing comedy for over 30 years. You've worked a lot of holiday shows. What have you found entertainment-wise that brings Christmas and the holiday spirit together for your audiences?

: 16:07

Well, everybody seems to be in a good mood, although when there is a, I mean, that's always nice. Just around the holidays, regardless of which way you celebrate, I always try to pull out some joke or other for Christmas, and one that I've always liked, but it's never done because it's not really. My personality is. A friend of mine wrote a joke. He can't get it to work. He gave it to me to work and it was. I bought a live Christmas tree this year and people always say, oh, that's such a wonderful thing to do, and it's not because I want to plant it, it's just I wanted to kill it myself. And I always thought that was such a funny, terrible, horrible twist to a joke. But he couldn't get it. I'd never been able to make it work, but it made it onto your show.

R. Scott Edwards: 17:03

Well, that's what we're here for jokes that don't make it, you know, but it is it is true when you're, when you. You know I'm a live tree christmas guy and and I love the smell and you have a whole forest now. You have a whole forest planted in your backyard well, I think that the premise of uh, having a live tree is so beautiful and wonderful and yet you're killing it is really brings the comedy to it, that is a 30 year old.

: 17:29

I break it out every christmas just because once a year, whether I like it or not, that's what happened. Yeah and uh, thanks for bringing that up. Cruises, corporate colleges and a few clubs still still managing to make all the Cs in comedy.

R. Scott Edwards: 17:46

Oh, that's right. Casinos, cruises and colleges, there you go. Oh, and clubs, that's right, that's right.

: 17:51

Yeah, and clubs and corporate.

R. Scott Edwards: 17:53

And corporate Wow, they're all Cs If you've got a.

: 17:56

C yeah, exactly, Even you know, listen, I will entertain corpses since we're on the C, what the heck? Well, you know what I might as well do it, Steve, when you're doing a cruise what's one of your opening jokes for your cruise audience? Oh, listen to you. You're setting me up to be. It's like playing t-ball with you. It's wonderful, you just and subtle. What's one of your opening cruise jokes?

R. Scott Edwards: 18:25

You know, listen, cruising has changed. I think you've been on a cruise, haven't you? A couple? Yeah, when we had the travel agency, we loved them.

: 18:28

When's the last one? You went on 2020 something or 2018? What would you go on? Because it has changed. What's different?

: 18:35

now.

: 18:36

Steve, I'm so glad you asked Scott the first day. They have changed it. They've got the life, the life boat. Information is now on a video, but it used to be. The first day was absolutely the worst day. They'd get everybody on the ship and the first thing they do would be have a lifeboat drill. It'd be welcome aboard, prepared to die, and they and they wouldn't scare you. They wouldn't stop scaring you there. They dress you up in those fancy life jackets, right? What color are those? You know, bright orange, bright orange, same color as a fishing lure, that's true. Now there's some incentive to make it to the lifeboat. You're not on the little boat and the big boat goes down. You end up being dressed as bait. You are nothing but a bobber. You're out in the middle of the ocean. They give you a little shark-a-tune whistle, whee, whee here, sharky, sharky, sharky, sharky. That's kind of some of the boat humor I do when I'm on one of the seven seas.

R. Scott Edwards: 19:43

Well, I just want to thank you for sharing that with the audience. You know, when it comes to the holiday spirit, there's nobody. Nobody is happy and funny as Steve Bruner. Thanks for joining us on this special holiday show.

: 19:57

It is ever a pleasure to speak to you, regardless of the season. In fact, here we are in California. I do not know. You know, we've had some difficult times. We've had fires and earthquakes and floods and I honestly do not know what to wear for locust season.

R. Scott Edwards: 20:16

But I'm going to go out shopping today.

: 20:19

That's next. All right, scotty, take care, I'll see you in the new year, yeah hey.

R. Scott Edwards: 20:23

Merry Christmas, steve, to you and your bride, and thanks so much for being a part of this special show man.

: 20:29

Oh, ever grateful for the friendship and all things. Scott, you got it.

R. Scott Edwards: 20:36

Bye.

: 20:36

Bye-bye bud.

R. Scott Edwards: 20:38

Wow, ladies and gentlemen, this holiday special is going so well. In fact, I just contacted a really good friend. He's out of Louisville, Kentucky. He's a stage performer. He's been a television actor, one of the best professional comics. In fact, he was part of the team Mac and Jamie, which was one of the best comedy teams back in the day. You've heard him on the podcast. Let's hear it for Mac Dryden. Hey, Mac, thanks for joining us on the holiday special.

: 21:07

Thanks, scott. Happy to be here, buddy. In fact I'm actually in Mississippi as we speak. My wife and I came down from Louisville to visit my 96-year-old mom for a week, so we're happy Well wow, well, we would love a little southern holiday.

R. Scott Edwards: 21:23

Cheer All right?

: 21:24

Well, wow, well, we would love a little Southern holiday cheer, All right? Well, I'll tell you one. That happened one time. My Uncle Leonard and Aunt Winnie lived in an old homestead way up in the country, and one February my Aunt Winnie was ironing in the living room because Uncle Leonard had a fire going in there. It was kind of cozy and he was watching football and so he was, you know, socked in. He was happy.

: 21:53

And then she looked over in the corner there and saw this hideous Christmas tree that had been gradually disintegrating since, you know well, before Christmas. And here it is nearly the end of february. And she said leonard, I am sick of looking at that tree, I want you to drag it out now, today, to the burn pile and get rid of it. And she went back to her ironing and leonard was never a real self-motivated go-getter, you you know and so he had an idea and he thought you know, I'm going to burn it anyway. Well, we've got a fire going in here so I could just slowly feed it into the fireplace and get rid of it gradually and warm the room at the same time, gradually and warm the room at the same time. And of course he didn't bother to get the more logical and rational Aunt Winnie to let her in on his plan.

: 22:53

He just suddenly did it Just plowed forward right.

: 22:57

Yeah, and when he poked the tip of the tree in the thing, nothing slowly happened at all. The tree and the thing, nothing slowly happened at all. A raging fireball just raged up the tree and knocked him backwards and back against actually the ironing board and the iron fell on the back of his neck. And Aunt Winnie was alert enough to grab a pile of clothes and go over and knock the fires down. So nothing happened.

: 23:26

Didn't lose the house right, didn't lose the house, she saved the house. But in the summertime you could always see the improvised tattoo that Uncle Leonard got on the back of his neck. It said Maidna, which of course is sunbeam in reverse. So he had a souvenir of that incident.

R. Scott Edwards: 23:54

Forever scarred from the Christmas tree event. Yes, that was it. Well, ladies, and gentlemen, that's not only a great story, but a lesson in how not to get rid of an old Christmas tree.

: 24:08

Absolutely. Do not try this at home, ever no.

R. Scott Edwards: 24:11

I was just going to say, mac, thanks so much for sharing that story and you know, I think everybody has somebody in the family that's tried to get rid of a tree and to uh. For your uncle to end up permanently scarred with the sub beam iron uh is certainly a tribute to the Southern holidays. Hey, uh, ladies and gentlemen, this has been Matt Dryden, one of the best in the business and a real good friend of mine. Hey, Mac, happy holidays and thanks for joining us.

: 24:41

Thank you, scott. Happy holidays to all your listeners. Y'all have a good one, bye.

R. Scott Edwards: 24:47

Well, that was a fun story from Matt Dryden about how things might happen in the holiday times in the South, especially if you hold onto your tree way too long. Let's keep that kind of Christmas holiday spirit going. Oh man, this has been such a fun holiday special. You can feel the Christmas running through your blood. I have a real treat for everybody out there in podcast land. One of the early acts that we had a chance to work with back when Laughs Unlimited first started in 1980 was a very young comic who had just escaped from Russia and ended up being fame and fortune. Now he's a doctor and I have him here for the special. Yakov, you had a great story about Christmas in Russia where your dad had done something special with the tree, but then I think you also have a story about your first Christmas in America. Ladies and gentlemen, let me welcome Dr Yakov Smirnoff.

: 25:53

Hey, yakov, merry Christmas, Thank you. Merry Christmas to you too. I'm so glad to be able to share this. Most people are not aware, probably, that in the Soviet Union they didn't celebrate Christmas because it was a religious holiday and religion was outlawed there. So they changed all the traditions of Christmas. That was, you know, in the old days. They changed it to New Year's and they called it instead of Santa Claus it was Father Frost and it was New Year's tree, not a Christmas tree. And, yeah, it changed it. And so I grew up, you know, celebrating New Year's but not Christmas. But my dad was an inventor and he created a Christmas tree stand, which is, like you know, for at that time for New Year's, but it was still something unique that would have the trees rotate and the lights on the tree would blink on and off and on and off, and we were the only family with blinking lights in the whole Soviet Union. The problem was that that device made all the lights in the entire apartment building blink on and off. Yeah, and my mom was really nervous about us being reported to the KGB, because you know we were. I mean, it looked like we were sending more messages in desire that I someday want to experience the Christmas.

: 28:05

And when we came to America and we just we got here a couple of few days before Christmas and we found a tiny apartment in the Bronx area it was run down pretty much because we didn't have any money. We were kind of hoping to have a Christmas tree, but we didn't have money and we were not knowing how to celebrate it either. And so, and and surprisingly, it's like we knew about Santa Claus. We knew that Santa brings gifts and stuff, but we didn't know anybody around us. And then we hear the knock on the door around us. And then we hear the knock on the door and it was the manager of the building that gave us the opportunity to rent this apartment, because the apartment was $240. And Mrs Landau gave us that apartment. We only had $50. So she paid the difference out of her own pocket and gave us our first home in America. So that was the first gift that we got for Christmas.

: 29:26

And then she told the tenants of the building that we just arrived and we could use some help. And this was 46 years ago, but in my mind that night it was clear that happened last night. We're sitting in our suitcase and we hear that knock on the door and we got scared because it could have been the KGB or, even worse, the Avon lady and because they were trained by the KGB. So very, very timidly, I opened the door and my heart overwhelmed with joy because I saw Mr Lando standing there smiling, and behind him you can imagine the whole hallway and the stairway going up and down was packed with the tenants of that building and they were holding things in their hands and I'm thinking these people are so poor they don't even have a place to set their things down. So I opened the door and she said I'd like you to meet your neighbors.

: 30:32

And these kind people were rushing into our apartment and they were handing us things, gifts. I never met them before and they were giving us food, furniture, clothing, pillows, blankets, dishes, things we did not have and desperately needed, and all they were saying ho, ho, ho, welcome home. And I'm realizing these people are like Santa Claus and they were. Some people were a nurse, was in her outfit and I think the guy, another guy was like a garbage man and another one the policeman, and they were all giving us those things. And they were giving us things.

: 31:14

We didn't even know what they were like a waffle iron. I didn't know what it was. My mom didn't know what it was. She ruined two pairs of my pans. They gave us our first real American breakfast English muffin, french toast, canadian bacon all from International House of Pancakes, you know. And they gave us a bodybuilding shampoo, and I didn't know what it was. So I drank two bottles. And the reason I wanted to tell you this story? Because at that moment I realized that in this most wonderful nation on earth there's a little bit of a real Santa Claus in every American. That was my takeaway.

R. Scott Edwards: 32:07

Wow, oh Yakov, thanks so much for sharing that. You know I had heard the story previously about your dad doing this ingenious thing that rotated the whole tree instead of you know, like a light shining on it. The whole tree rotated and you set up electrodes so that the lights would flash. That was an incredible story about the holidays in Russia. But this first Christmas, with the neighbors giving you gifts and food and a waffle iron, I mean how much more American could that be?

R. Scott Edwards: 32:44

Yes, yes, what a great introduction to your new home and country. Yes, wow, that makes Christmas that much more special. Yakov, thanks so much for sharing these two special moments in your life, about Christmas and the holidays. And next time I think of Russia, it won't be Merry Christmas, it'll be Happy New Year.

: 33:07

There you go. No, not anymore, not anymore. Christmas is there. So it's a different scenario anymore, but I wish everybody the most wonderful Christmas and that spirit that America has, that Santa Claus spirit, don't ever, ever lose that.

R. Scott Edwards: 33:30

Oh, that's a great sentiment. Well, thank you, Yakov. Ladies and gentlemen, originally from Russia, but now a proud American, Dr Yakov Shmirnov. Thanks, Yakov. Ladies and gentlemen, originally from Russia, but now a proud American, Dr Yakov Shmirnov. Thanks, Yakov.

: 33:42

My pleasure. Thank you, Scott.

R. Scott Edwards: 33:45

Hey everybody, I hope you're enjoying this Christmas special as much as I am bringing it to you. It's just amazing. It's like having Holly going through my veins so much Christmas positivity and fun. Well, I want to continue that with somebody that's famous on this podcast and famous in his own mind, a terrific stand-up comic, my good friend, bruce Baby man Bomb. Hey, bruce, happy holidays.

: 34:12

I'm starting a big, happy holidays to you.

R. Scott Edwards: 34:15

Oh, thanks so much for being a part of the show. What do you have for my audience?

: 34:20

Well, I was hoping I could share a holiday tale that's been passed down in my family from generation to generation in my head.

R. Scott Edwards: 34:32

Okay.

: 34:34

So here we go A little Christmas. There you go, very good, okay. So here we go A little Christmas music. There you go, very good, okay. It was the night after Christmas and all through the house a locker room victory celebration was happening, and you can hear it from Milwaukee to Laos. There's not a whole lot of words to rhyme with that. The elves were wearing their once-a-year-allowed formal wear Santa his yearly dot-coff Hawaiian shirt and black bicycle pants. All the North Pole locals were invited and in attendance. This was before there was a Mrs Claus, so sometimes things got dicey and messy until the elves shook off their hangovers.

: 35:17

As the townsfolk and elves danced and drank and told new Christmas tales from the night before, a young lady caught Santa's eye, lydia. A recent tundra transplant mesmerized the young Santa. Lydia stood seven feet tall and draped through life, with a small band of nomadic pygmies beneath her hemline. She titillated them to the extent that she in essence became their Pied Piper and they followed her wherever she went, doing her bidding A horny, roving family of lust and parasites and their queen. Every now and then she would summon one into her tent of indulgence, commanding the others to loudly play outside so nothing could be heard coming from inside her nasty canvas lair, stanton thundered over and asked Lydia to dance, chewing away her tiny admiring subject. She accepted. Stanton and Lydia danced the night away Into the morning. They drank, they talked, they took a walk and talked some more. The next day, santa married Lydia, who became, and still is, mrs Claus. Her nomadic pygmies were deputized and sworn in as elves, and they are all living happily together. And so goes another Bonds fairy tale.

R. Scott Edwards: 36:44

Only you could bring Christmas in such a powerful way. Bruce, that was a great story. I just tried to capture the holiday spirit in a nutshell without using Well, with the music underneath and that great family story that's been passed down for generations. Thank you so much for sharing that.

: 37:07

My pleasure and a happy everything and a happy holiday season to everyone.

R. Scott Edwards: 37:12

Hey, thanks a lot, Bruce. Happy holidays, or, I'm sorry I should say hey, the Christmas special is going along well. I hope you guys all enjoy listening to these great stories and things about the holiday season. I have a really good friend of mine, longtime regular at the clubs. He's done specialty shows for me. What's really unique about our next entertainer is that he was born and raised in Hawaii and has that kind of Hawaiian hook to his comedy. You may have heard him on my podcast a few times, but here he is live on the phone. Ladies and gentlemen, Kermit Apio. Hey, Kermit, happy holidays.

: 38:03

Hi, scott, happy holidays to you. It's great to be back.

R. Scott Edwards: 38:06

Hey, it's nice to have you back. We're putting together this kind of celebration of the holidays and I know that you live up in Seattle now, but you spent a lot of your youth in Hawaii. What was it like celebrating? Oh wait, wait a minute, it's Mele Kalikimaka. No, you tell me what's Merry Christmas in Hawaiian. That's right.

: 38:27

You got it, it's Mele Kalikimaka. And yeah, it's a little different, you know, because a white Christmas in Hawaii basically means that drugs are involved, so it's not the same.

R. Scott Edwards: 38:39

That's a little bit different, isn't it? I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. Hey, here's some cocaine, okay.

: 38:48

Yeah, it is a bit different. So I wanted to tell you this story about. When I was a kid, we used to have this tradition where all the cousins would be brought to one of the houses. Right, and it is from the beginning. It's a story that just has so many holes in it, and you'll see why. So we'd be hanging out. Then, all of a sudden, a cab would pull up and Santa would step out of the backseat of the cab. A cab would pull up and Santa would step out of the backseat of the cab.

: 39:19

And it is the funniest thing, because there's no documentation, no TV show, no special, no song that talks about Santa getting out of a cab. It's just not in the folklore, right? Never heard that before, no, right? So even from the beginning it's a story that it's a situation that just has a bunch of holes in it. So Santa gets out of the cab, he says ho, ho, ho, he waves, and he comes walking up the driveway and somewhere between the cab and the driveway and, by the way it's you're at this point as a kid you're kind of wondering well, where are the reindeer, where's, where's anything? This is all odd. So by the time Santa gets from the cab to the door he's now got a garbage bag full of presents. Now, once again, nothing in the folklore. The TV shows the songs.

R. Scott Edwards: 40:05

Says Santa bringing his garbage bag up to the house, right, there's no, there's no, there's no like it paints this image of the yellow cab, the garbage bag over the shoulder, and for our listeners in Hawaii in December, it's probably what? 82 degrees, yes, that's pretty nice.

: 40:23

It's 82 and humid, right, and so, yeah, so he's got this, the garbage bag, which and the only way that's going to happen is like if Hefty sponsors you know the Christmas show or something you know, but it's so, he's got this, so he's got this garbage bag. He comes to the door and everybody's all excited and, like I said, still there's a lot of holes in it. So the one thing that does check, though he's pouring with sweat. Every year I remember that the Santa was pouring with sweat and sometimes breathing hard, and I get it. You live in the North pole and here you are in Hawaii. That part I understood He'd come in and it just seemed like every year it was the same thing. Have you all been good kids? And we all say the obligatory yes, we have, you know, and even though a few cousins really honestly weren't.

R. Scott Edwards: 41:08

Yeah, a little. Timmy got in a little trouble, but yeah.

: 41:13

Yeah, yeah, there's some delinquents in the making in that group. I will say, and so okay, so he starts reaching in and we're all excited, and so you're suspending a lot of disbelief, right, the cab, the hefty bag, everything the fact that he's there, the fact that he's in your house, because apparently he's supposed to come at night, and so I guess in our kid mind we're thinking, well, hawaii doesn't have chimneys, so there's really no way to sneak in, so he just has to show up during the day. That's kind of what we thought, because houses don't have chimneys there.

R. Scott Edwards: 41:46

It's daytime, not even nighttime.

: 41:53

Yeah, but we don't have chimneys, so there's really no way to do the sneak. He can't do his job correctly in Hawaii because the few rich houses that had chimneys, it was basically made. How do you explain this? They make it to look like chimneys, Like they're not. They're not hollow. You know what I mean? Does that make sense, Right?

R. Scott Edwards: 42:08

right, right, you know there's there's no fireplaces in Hawaii. Ladies and gentlemen.

: 42:13

Right. And uh, if they are, they look silly and they're just decorative. They're not real. So that was our logic there.

: 42:20

So he starts to bring out the present and for the cousins that had Hawaiian names, he would always mispronounce the names, right, name. Like you brought these, you made these gifts you had, you had the elves make them. How do you not know our names? Or how do you? How are you mispronouncing the names?

: 42:41

And then the other thing that would happen specifically to me is that the santa would look at my present and go kermit and go huh, kermit, as if he didn't know there was a kid in this batch named kermit. Like this is the first time he's finding it out and it happened every year. Every year he's shocked, yes, every year he's shocked, like, oh, this kid must get teased. But you should know that, santa, you're aware of me Apparently, right, you know if I've been bad or good. He would, he would, um, he would hand hand out presents, nailing the English names, nailing them, just getting John right and Tammy right, you know, and then messing up the other ones. But we were kind of like, okay, but we're still getting presents, and we would. So we would all sit there, open the presents and every once in a while he would sort of comment about the presents as if he didn't know what was like. He would say something like oh, you like, oh, you like Hot Wheels. Do you like Hot Wheels Like? Well, you should know that, santa.

R. Scott Edwards: 43:44

So what's interesting is that every child has this image that is pounded into our head through movies and TV.

: 43:52

And yet in Hawaii, your experience is, moment by moment, contradictive to the whole story, right, right, but, but the and you're absolutely right, that's what I'm saying the whole thing doesn't check out and any level of cynicism in a kid would tell you this. Something's going on here, right? I mean, he didn't have the trash bag when he got out of the cab, but he did when he got to the door. Something happened. But what happens is the thing that sells the whole thing, the thing that closes the deal is that, with all those question marks that you have, he gets the presents right. He brought us what we asked for, so we could kind of overlook everything else. You know what I mean. So we could kind of overlook everything else. You know what I mean. Like, if you get the present.

R. Scott Edwards: 44:37

You would ask for the starry-eyed kid with the new gift. That was exactly what they're asking for. Tends to wash over all the you know, the taxi cab and the garbage bag.

: 44:48

Yes, the ends justifies the means. If I get what I wanted, right.

R. Scott Edwards: 44:55

Well, I'm sure you had plenty of good Christ christmases in hawaii. Oh, kermit, well, thanks for sharing the inconsistencies around the world. And uh, we really appreciate you sharing that story with our holiday audience. And uh, mainly shoot, you say it.

: 45:19

Merry Christmas. It's mele kalikimaka, mele kalikimaka, and best wishes to you and your family and your listeners, and thank you so much for when you always have me on. I appreciate it.

R. Scott Edwards: 45:33

Oh, my pleasure and appreciate you bringing such a fun family story to the holiday special. Ladies and gentlemen, kermit apio, thanks buddy, thank you. Wow, this has been such a fun special. The holiday spirit is flowing, it's so exciting and I wanted to keep the energy high. So what did I do? I reached out to my good friend, one of the top comics out of the San Francisco Bay Area. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, larry Bubbles Brown.

: 46:04

When you think of Christmas and fun, you think of Larry Bubbles Brown.

R. Scott Edwards: 46:10

Well, I got to tell you we've had a chance to work together for a number of years and you were telling me a story back when you were working my clubs in the early 80s that you had a shot at the Tonight Show. Tell me the holiday twist to that Larry.

: 46:26

Okay, I'd only been doing comedy for three years and then suddenly I get approached by the guy that booked the Tonight Show. We're going over my set in Burbank.

R. Scott Edwards: 46:35

That's Jim McCauley right.

: 46:37

Jim McCauley. Yeah, and I'd seen right before he introduced himself to me there was a big article in the Think section in the San Francisco Chronicle about he was a gatekeeper of the Tonight Show and what a powerful position that was and we should say the Tonight Show back then. I think right now they get about a million viewers. Back then Johnny Carson was getting 17 to 20 million.

R. Scott Edwards: 47:01

Oh no, the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson was unbeatable. In fact, it made the careers of people like Ray Romano, jerry Seinfeld and Shanling so many people. It was a very powerful show for comedy. Wow, larry, I didn't know that you got a chance to meet with Macaulay.

: 47:20

Yeah, three years in was pretty early to get that. So we go to the set. He goes. He saw me one more time. He said you're not quite ready, come down and do it again. I came down. This is in November.

R. Scott Edwards: 47:34

This is about 1984, right 85, 84?

: 47:40

Yes, Awesome, it got November. And, uh, this is about 1984, right, 85, 1984. Yes, awesome, I got November 1st and I was Thursday, 1984, november 1st, and I'm watching and it was, I'm watching the other comics before me and everyone's bombing and I wasn't even thinking I'm not gonna bomb, but I just, I just wanted to look good and I went up and I had a bad set and yeah, so I was, you know, looking back on it. I really wasn't ready for that show, but I grew up with Johnny Carson. I always dreamed of doing that show, so it was just such a dream and it all just collapsed on that one night.

R. Scott Edwards: 48:08

And you said you had a meeting with him and what was it like being at NBC Studios?

: 48:15

Oh, I'm just sitting there in, I'm sitting there in his office and uh, ed McMahon at one point came stuck his head in. No, Ed. Mcmahon yeah.

R. Scott Edwards: 48:25

Wow, that's like, uh, the, the sidekick to Johnny. That nobody will ever forget.

: 48:31

It was so exciting and this is the day that everything went right. Then I went, so he goes, and this is the day that everything went right and I went, so he goes to my set and he goes work on this and come back in a month and we'll see you again. So I a friend, jeremy Kramer I don't know if you remember him- oh yeah, jeremy's a funny guy.

: 48:48

So I was booked at the Holy City Zoo that night. So Jeremy takes me to the Burbank Airport. There's a plane there. You just walk in. The plane was there's a plane there, you just walk in. There's a plane to San Francisco. In 15 minutes I get on that. I fly up to San Francisco. I make it in time to do the Holy City Zoo. As I walk to the Holy City Zoo, somebody walks after me and said you're quoted in Penthouse Magazine.

: 49:13

I said what do?

: 49:14

you mean Somebody ran down to 7-Eleven and got Penthouse. There was this page called the 20 greatest jokes ever said about sex, and all these famous people like Woody Allen and Joan Rivers and one of my jokes, and they gave me credit. So just everything went right that day.

R. Scott Edwards: 49:34

Oh my gosh, you were posted as one of the best jokes at Penthouse. Yeah, one of the best 24 hours of my life, I mean what an incredible moment in your uh comedy career in just three years in that's incredible, larry. Yeah, well, this is a very positive.

: 49:50

This is all in one day. And then I remember I do the holy city zoo, which had been changed to the ha ha, go, go. I think might have been one of their first opening uh weekends. And I remember I'm they changed the acoustics and I was actually killing so hard I was actually getting annoyed that they were laughing that loud.

R. Scott Edwards: 50:11

Hey, quit laughing. You're interrupting my pace, it's hurting my ears. Oh, that's so funny. Well, it sounds like a great uplifting holiday story. You were doing so great.

: 50:23

Then November I go back and this is if I do a good set. I got to the night show and there was all these really good comics. I remember Rick Dukeman. He was a really good comic. He went on, he bombed and everybody it was not a good crowd, everybody was bombing and I went up and I pretty much did the same thing and I think that pretty much ended my approach to the night show.

R. Scott Edwards: 50:48

So after this really exciting moment in November, you go back in December and you bomb with everybody else.

: 50:54

And.

R. Scott Edwards: 50:54

Jim. Mccauley wouldn't take your calls after that.

: 50:58

No, pretty much yeah.

R. Scott Edwards: 50:59

And then you come to work for me at the Birdcage Club A week before Christmas.

: 51:04

Yes, I was working with Rob Becker and I think do you remember a guy named Glenn Super?

R. Scott Edwards: 51:14

Oh yeah, glenn, Super was Mr Bullhorn.

: 51:17

Yeah, he was the headliner.

R. Scott Edwards: 51:19

Wow. So you took all that great energy from November. In December you go and do the showcase and absolutely bomb. And to celebrate you came and played my club, the birdcage, right before the holidays. You must have been in such an upbeat mood it was not.

: 51:38

It was probably the worst christmas of my life, although the show we got a birdcage if they went well, as I recall.

R. Scott Edwards: 51:45

Well, that's good. So you were somewhat holiday depressed based on going from a high moment in your career to crashing and burning, and then you shared that with my audience. What a special moment, larry. Thanks for sharing that story.

: 52:03

Yeah, I look back at that story and wonder if I had gotten in a night show, maybe I would have bombed on TV and that would have probably been suicidal. It's probably a good thing.

R. Scott Edwards: 52:14

Merry Christmas. Here's a razor blade. Well, Larry, I thank you for sharing the Tonight Show story for my holiday audience. I wish you good holiday greetings.

: 52:28

You too, and we can wrap some tinsel around that story.

R. Scott Edwards: 52:33

Wow, thanks so much, larry. Talk to you soon. Thanks, scott, see you soon, buddy. Oh man, we're getting so many great stories and comedy bits. This has been so much fun. Hey, right now I have one of my best friends in the business. He's from Florida, where he settled, but he worked for my club many, many years. Please welcome my good friend, bruce Smirnoff. Hey, happy holidays, bruce.

: 52:57

Hey Scott, Thank you so much for having me. May I talk to your audience for a moment? May I have their time?

R. Scott Edwards: 53:02

Oh, well, sure, it's the season of giving. Go for it.

: 53:06

Okay. Well, I want to show you a cycle.

: 53:09

You know, people don't normally talk about cycles. Well, I'm now 66 years old and I am retired and right now I'm in my garden. It's very boring, I know, but it has a point. And I'm gardening and I'm sweating, and then you called me and asked me to say something. So, if you're listening, there's many cycles of life. I'm reaching, you know the maybe the second to last chapter. But my first cycle was when I wanted to be a comedian. I started when I was 18 years old. Wasn't that good? And really the first time I really felt good about myself I was living in Los Angeles. So when I got my first road gig and that was at your club, scott Laughs, unlimited at what the Delta Queen Is that where?

R. Scott Edwards: 53:50

it was at that time.

: 53:52

Yeah, good memory and I went in there and for the first time in my life I was on at a good time not last, you know, like at 2 o'clock in the morning, and a receptive audience because America had not really been used to comedy clubs. You're one of the first leaders of the comedy club industry and that was it and I always remember that. And I remember I think I went to Sacramento while you were there over the course of, let's say, I'd say, about 96. So from 81 to 96, I can't even count seriously, but the great times I had are just wonderful and I want to thank you for it. All the encouragement, because when we start out we're very insecure people and all the encouragement that we can get is what helps us continue. And you were great. You were like a cheerleader for everybody and some of the biggest names in show business made their start at Laughs Unlimited and you cannot get them on the phone. They want nothing to do with you anymore.

: 54:53

I take the call because I'm retired, I have nothing. But these guys they're multi, multi. If you even mention the name Scott Edwards, you go. Never heard of him. Is he on what the FBI's wanted list? Is that what they're looking for? I've never heard of the guy. But me, I have time to start playing with the kitty cats now I'm planting another tree. I got all the time in the world for you because I got nothing to do.

R. Scott Edwards: 55:16

And I'm retired. Well, you're retired, you're in Florida. Thank you for the kind words before the nice insult. You know who I learned that from.

: 55:26

I learned that from Jackie Mason Great, in my opinion, one of the top five stand-up comedians ever and if you are a comedy buff listening, listen to his interviews, which are really interesting, in Christmas. I'm Jewish, so the holiday is a different kind of a holiday, but it's like when you're retired and you live in a beautiful community. I'm walking around my backyard nothing but just gorgeous here and one day you'll come with Jill and pay a visit. You'll see that. You know, every day is Christmas. How's that sound when you have your health and you have a nice place to live and you have friends around you? You've got everything. So that's how you celebrate.

R. Scott Edwards: 56:05

You don't need one day. That's a great way to look at life. Every day is a gift.

: 56:17

When it comes to Hanukkah, you know you probably have your own traditions, but I know about as much as Hanukkah as I know about Christmas, so I put them on equal, equal things. I'm one of those, you know. I'm just a waif out here.

R. Scott Edwards: 56:25

I believe in God, but the ceremonies so what you're saying is that it was tough to really settle into the holidays when you're always on the road.

: 56:33

Anything, yeah, and Christmas was a great time because a lot of comedians would not work on Christmas, so that opened the door for the ones that weren't as experienced.

R. Scott Edwards: 56:43

Bruce Smirnoff was there.

: 56:46

I was there baby, every Christmas, somewhere. I had some great. I can remember cities that I was in during Christmas, because you know a place shuts down so I can remember you know like being, you know in Salt Lake City or et cetera. You know places that were completely not moving and grooving, but then I remember being down in Florida where there's a big mix of people and some great Christmases. Oh yeah, anyway, happy holidays to your listening audience. Are you on tube now or are you just audio?

R. Scott Edwards: 57:16

No, no, just audio. And the listeners appreciate hearing from the very funny Bruce Smirnoff and we're glad that things are going so well for you down in Florida.

: 57:23

Thank you, Florida. Happy New Year, Merry Christmas everybody.

R. Scott Edwards: 57:27

All right, thanks, bruce. All right, scott. Oh man, we are having so much fun and sadly it's about to come to an end, but I couldn't finish up without bringing into the entertainment fun, fun one of my best friends in the business. You've heard him many, many times on the podcast. Why? Because he's a funny guy Out of Wisconsin. It's Tim Bedore. You'll recognize that name as he's a regular on Bob and Tom's radio show and he's the man behind Vague but True, the very funny vignettes, all stand-up comedy based. Well, tell you what he put together something special for this holiday show that we're going to start right now. Okay, here it comes, ladies and gentlemen, the very funny Tim Bedore. And for this Christmas, vague, but True.

: 58:21

Here he is a philosopher, a writer, a comedian, a man who introduces himself, the host of Vague, but True. Here he is a philosopher, a writer, a comedian, a man who introduces himself, the host of Vague, but True, tim Bedore. Well, thank you very much. As a life coach and spiritual guru, my help is most needed during this, the Christmas holiday season. Why, if you're like me, a man, you really don't like shopping and stink on ice at gift-giving. But gift-giving, the purchasing of Christmas presents, must be done if you want to be a good American and stay married. More on that later. The Christmas shopping season accounts for over 30% of yearly retail sales in America and for that the American business community says Praise Jesus, praise that sweet baby Jesus. Too little is said about Jesus and his impact on the business world, but when Jesus turned a few fishes and loaves into enough to feed the masses, he wasn't just performing a miracle, he was showing retailers how keeping your overhead low drives up profits. Business is the business of America and every holiday season I want to do my part for the American economy. But Christmas gift-giving has always been a nightmare for me. I'm very good at gift-getting, but at gift-giving I stink. Anyway, according to those who I give gifts. Well, my wife thinks I stink at gift-giving.

: 59:41

One Christmas before Karen and I were married, I gave her an urn. Some of you may be asking why did I give a woman I was hoping to marry an urn? Well, I was in a funky shop and saw this funky thing. Didn't know what it was, but it was cool and unique looking. So Karen got and opened in front of her whole family on Christmas Eve, what turned out to be an urn. Family on Christmas Eve, what turned out to be an urn which the store didn't have the decency to label as an urn. Just three letters U-R-N. Not much effort. Help me out a little bit here or put a warning sticker on it Don't buy this urn unless you know someone who was recently deceased or on the way. After decades of gift-giving failure, we just gave up. Karen now buys herself something and then I wrap it up. It's just the safest way to go because I never want to see that. Look on her face again that I just got an urn. Look, apparently I never got the memo or lessons on gift-giving.

: 1:00:36

In my 20s I gave my then-girlfriend Mary a sewing machine for Christmas. She had mentioned when she was younger she loved to sew, so for Christmas I got her a sewing machine. For Christmas she had mentioned when she was younger she loved to sew. So for Christmas I got her a sewing machine. And when she opened it she said never give a woman an appliance on Christmas. You give the woman in your life something associated with emotion. I said you told me you love to sew. She said but I'm not 12 anymore. And I said when I was 12, I loved to play baseball, and if I open your present to me and it's a baseball glove and bat, I'm very happy. That's an emotion. It's not just gift giving. Christmas itself makes me anxious.

: 1:01:12

When I was four years old, my brother Tom convinced me to go explore the attic. I didn't want to explore the attic. Evil things live up in the attic. But even at age four, boys are so aware of the whole macho male thing. So I said nothing scares pre-kindergarten man. Let's go to the attic.

: 1:01:31

We opened the door to the attic and a dead bat fell right at our feet and it had that horrible frozen dead bat. Look in its face. And when you're four years old you're only three feet tall and your face is very close to the floor where the dead bat face is. It's facial proximity to evil that is most frightening. The closer your face is to evil, the more scary it is. Anyway, tom takes a piece of Christmas wrapping paper that was there on the attic steps because my mom never wanted to go up there because of all the evil things living up there, so she just put stuff on the steps.

: 1:02:04

Tom takes some Christmas wrapping paper and scoops up the dead bat and we go outside to bury it. But first Tom starts chasing me around the yard with the dead bat. He's knocking it up against my heels. I'm screaming and you can't really run at that age. Your bones aren't even hard yet. You're just a little flesh bag rolling around in a panic, screaming. I'm trying to run away and looking back and all I can see is that dead bat face next to a happy Santa Claus face on the Christmas wrapping paper. So every Christmas, when you see Santa and are filled with joy and togetherness and warmth, I'm seeing the wings of death. Thanks, tom.

: 1:02:43

Plus, when I was little, my mom used to bake a birthday cake for the baby Jesus, and we would not only present the cake to our nativity scene, but then we'd actually sing happy birthday to the baby Jesus figurine in the nativity scene. I can distinctly remember thinking if this ceramic baby Jesus doesn't come to life, crawl out of the manger, walk across the straw in cotton balls my mom put in the nativity scene to represent snow that fell in the Judean desert. We lived in Wisconsin, so there's always snow at Christmas and I guess that's why my mom cotton balls snowbanks into the nativity scene at Christmas in the Middle East. Anyway, if Jesus doesn't animate and blow out the candle on this cake, if that doesn't happen, I'm growing up in a family of druids. We're singing happy birthday to a ceramic figurine with a chip in its foot. Baby Jesus was missing a few toes. It was all very disconcerting for me.

: 1:03:38

Things got a little better when our daughter was born, because then Christmas becomes all about your kids and my daughter is, just to this day so easy to shop for because she wants everything she always has. Here is a recording of my daughter at the age of four or five looking through a Christmas catalog and picking out what she might want from Santa. Here's what she said and it just kept going on. Every single thing in the catalog, 150 different items. She wanted every one of them. I mean, she just didn't stop, so I can't go wrong with her. All these years later, she still likes whatever I get her, because she still pretty much wants. But enough about me.

: 1:04:20

For you young guys out there, here's a little bit of life coach advice. Don't get your girlfriend, fiance, wife an appliance for Christmas. That's for starters. And while you may want to go unique and take a chance on getting her an outside-the-box gift, I caution against it, especially if she's going to be opening it in front of her family. If you do screw up every year afterwards on Christmas Eve, you're on the risk of getting what I get every year from Karen's family as they wonder aloud what gift-giving mistake I've made this year after the traditional retelling of the story of the urn. Oh, much laughter at my expense. Be safe, get her a scarf or jewelry From Minneapolis, minnesota, where the introverts stare at their shoes and the extroverts stare at your shoes. I'm Tim Bedore on Scott Edwards, your host and MC podcast.

R. Scott Edwards: 1:05:14

That was Tim Bedore with his very special Vague but True for our holiday show. Thanks, tim hey. To everybody out there a very Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays, happy Hanukkah. Whatever you're celebrating, we hope that you and your family are doing well. Not only do I want to wish you health and happiness, but remember to always smile and go through the year with a laugh. Thanks for joining us. Happy Holidays.

: 1:05:43

We hope you enjoyed this episode of Stand Up Comedy your host and MC. For information on the show, merchandise and our sponsors, or to send comments to Scott, visit our website at wwwstandupyourhostandmccom. Look for more episodes soon and enjoy the world of stand-up comedy. Visit a comedy showroom near you.